Building Better Relationships by Embracing Singlehood
Top five life lessons singlehood teaches that make you better at building other relationships in your life.
Single life has taught me many valuable life lessons, and so have all the mistakes I’ve made… Both in relationships and during my singlehood. They all taught me a lot about myself, my singleness and about life. Moreover, they helped me embrace myself and my singleness, and helped me learn how to self love and how to be happy in my singleness. All of which have helped me build better relationships with the people around me. While it’s hard to narrow it down, these are the top five single life lessons, that can help you achieve and maintain better relationships:
1. No chasing, begging or waiting around
I know what you’re thinking… ‘But if I take a step back, then they won’t know I’m interested, or they’ll forget about me and move on.’ And to that I say, good, let them move on and leave you alone. Believe me, I’ve been there, I’ve had all of those thoughts and more. After many similar discussions with myself, and driving myself crazy over unworthy men… I decided enough was enough. The right people for you, who actually matter and care, will not make you wonder what they feel or doubt it. They won’t make you wait, chase or beg, they will show up. If someone makes you do all the work, and feel like if you stopped, they’d disappear… Then they’re not worth it. Know your worth, and don’t be afraid to set standards for being in your life. People who don’t reach those standards, won’t be allowed access.
At first, I was scared that if I removed people from my life, I wouldn’t have anyone left. But with time, I learned that I was just creating a better quality, strong support system. You don’t need so many people in your life to make you happy. You don’t need to be popular. All you need to be content and good, is a handful of close friends. As I always say, it’s the quality over quantity. More is almost never better, it only causes a bigger mess and clutter. Which is why it is so important to declutter your life for all the people who make you chase, beg or wait around. When you refuse to chase toxic people, you enhance the quality of your life and set proper standards. Which helps you not only focus and find better people, but also attract so much better. When you do that, it will help you be and do better in relationships.
2. No-bulshit mindset
This is also what I see as the difference between our 20’s mentality, and our 30’s mentality. When I was in relationships and dating in my 20’s, it was very different than now that I’m in my 30’s. In my 20’s, I had what I call “my young and stupid” phase, which is okay, almost all of us had. I cared more about being liked and what people thought about me, than what I thought about myself. Now that I’m in my 30’s and have matured a bit, however, I no longer put up with any of that. Where once I thrived on drama, now I thrive on my peace of mind and tranquil life. I no longer tolerate anyone and anything that disrupt that or try to stir sh*t up, or at least as much as I can. This no-bulshit mindset has also impacted all other aspects of my single life, not only with dating.
One of my favourite things about being single, is not having any relationship drama, and all the pressure and stress that come along with it. There are no games and you’re not willing to put up with anyone that tries to mess with your peace. I used to love it in some twisted way, I needed that spice in my life. But now that I’m more mature and in a better place with myself, I no longer need all that. I learned that having no drama is not boring at all, quite the opposite in fact. It frees up your time for better, more productive things. And when you reach that understanding, and learn how to appreciate that state of peace of mind, you no longer tolerate anyone who tries to disrupt that. I highly encourage you to learn the same lesson, and adopt the same mindset. Don’t put up with games or drama, and focus on being a better you instead.
3. Don’t lower your worth or standard for others
As part of my “young and stupid” period in my 20’s, I also had a very low bar. My standards were really all over the place, and I constantly lowered myself for others, and especially men. I put my boyfriends before me – All. The. Time. When they put all the blame on me for fights, I took it and accepted the blame, instead of fighting and standing up for myself. Which only lowered my worth more and more, which made the relationship more toxic and unhealthy for me and my self esteem. Embracing myself and my singlehood, especially since I turned 30… Has helped me not only to set better, higher standards and enhance my self worth, but also create better relationships in my life, especially with myself.
This goes hand in hand with the previous two methods, as your worth is partly dictated by how you let people treat you, and how you behave towards them. When you don’t have a no-bulshit mindset and are willing to put up with bad treatment… As well as chasing and begging… You’re lowering your worth and standards. When you stop chasing, begging and waiting around, it helps you develop that no-bulshit mindset. And when you have that mindset, it’s so much easier to build your standards and self worth. Which is crucial if you want to have and build proper, healthier and better relationships.
4. If they walk away – let them
One of the hardest things to do as humans is to just let go. We have trouble getting things, events that transpire and people out of our heads. When I was younger, I fought tooth and nail for relationships, even at the cost of my own sanity and well being. And while relationships do take effort, they shouldn’t take all of it. And you shouldn’t have to convince or beg someone to stay. As I grew older, wiser and more mature, I realised that even though it can be the hardest thing in the world… (Or so it may seem at that moment.) The best thing you can do for yourself is let them go. When you learn how to embrace yourself and your singleness, it will become easier to release them. When you release them, you will find and attract better relationships.
We struggle to stop obsessing over the smallest of details, or that one small thing that went wrong. Or what we could have done better, differently. What we could’ve, would’ve, should’ve. But most of all, we can’t just let people go, even if they’re bad for us. We have this notion in our heads that they’re great, cool and whatever other adjectives that make us put them on a pedestal. And for what? So they can just hurt us, even ruin a time or moment in our lives? Forcing someone to stay in our lives, even though they don’t really want to be there… Is only going to make us feel worse. Even if they don’t actively say or do things that suggest they want to leave, the fact that they don’t put in any effort and let you do all the work, means they don’t really want to be there. If they did, they would work just as hard as you.
5. Understand that if someone rejects or ghosts you it doesn’t reflect on you
We’ve all heard the age old excuses “it’s not you, it’s me.” Or, “You’re wonderful, I just… X,Y,Z.” At least once in our life. And I remember thinking, ‘if I’m so wonderful, then why are you leaving?’ I remember blaming myself for every failed date, and every man that didn’t click with me. Wondering what’s wrong with me and why I’m so unloveable… Which only helped in making me more desperate, which led me to go on all the wrong dates. And thus a cycle began. Instead of realising that, while a huge cliche, their words are true. It is them, and I am wonderful. They are just wrong for me, and I’m wrong for them. It’s the wrong fit, and that doesn’t mean you’re any less.
Rejection isn’t personal, at least not in most cases, and we should never take it as such, even in the rare cases that it is. In most cases, it’s just not meant to be, and that’s okay, because we can’t click with everyone. But there are enough people out there we can find that we do click with. And when it is personal, when someone just doesn’t like you, you need to remember that that’s their problem. That it doesn’t make you any lesser or worse, it just means they are not right for you. And that’s their problem, and their loss. When you stop letting rejection hurt and get to you, you free up more space to find peace of mind, and people that matter, and will accept you for who you are. Use this energy on bettering yourself and leveling up instead of wallowing over what others don’t like in you, or find lacking.
In conclusion – Learn from the ast to do better in the future, but never dwell
Making mistakes is just another annoying part of being single and human. We all make them, and there’s not much we can do about them, other than just learn from them and move on. When you take the time for yourself to really learn from your mistakes and past events, you not only learn how to embrace yourself and your singleness, you also learn how to do and be better in future relationships. All of these life lessons are learned through embracing your singlehood, and when you take the time to absorb them, you won’t only build a strong relationship with yourself… You will also build a strong foundation to build other, better relationships on.
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