How to Maintain Your Self-Relationship and Individuality When You’re in a Relationship

Spread the love

Table of Contents

These are the top 9 ways to learn how to maintain your self-relationship and individuality when you’re in a relationship – to make sure you don’t lose yourself in a relationship.

In many ways, my singleness prepared me for my relationship and made it better. In others, however, it created challenges that made me struggle to let go of my single lifestyle. Or at least at first. There were even a few times at the beginning of our relationship when I was ready to give up. But we made the effort and worked through it.

At the start of my relationship with Ze’ev, it was difficult for me to let go of my “single life freedom”. Of my unlimited time and space for myself – to do what I want, when I want, without reporting to ANYONE. Suddenly, there was someone else “taking up space” in my life. And it was an adjustment. I also knew how I used to lose myself, and this time, I wanted to maintain individuality in the relationship.

With time and effort, however, Zeev and I both learned that we don’t need to give it up entirely. In fact, we learned that we SHOULDN’T. Our relationship thrives, and we each thrive in and out of it because we don’t restrict each other. Because we don’t begrudge each other, and allow space for both of us to thrive. But it requires mutual effort to learn how to maintain your self-relationship and individuality when you’re in a relationship.

So, how do you keep your individuality in a relationship? Let’s dive into it…

Your Personal Space and Time

Just because you now share your time and space with another person doesn’t mean it has to come at your own expense entirely. Yes, it requires compromise, but you certainly shouldn’t entirely neglect yourself. Especially if you want to maintain individuality in a relationship. If they ask you to, or demand all of your time and space – that’s a bright red flag. You should still have your own life and still work on your individuality. Part of what makes a couple so strong, and I feel it with Ze’ev and me, is giving each other space to flourish. If you’re constantly limiting one another, you’re just causing strain on yourselves and your relationship. I see this a lot in couples that haven’t spent much time alone. Especially if they’ve been together since their early 20s.

1) Spend Quality Time Alone

If you’ve had time to be single, you’re probably a pro at spending quality alone time. It is the prime time to learn how to do so, after all! But if you hadn’t or just didn’t work on it while you were single – fear not! Not all is lost, and while it’s good to start a relationship with a strong base, you can also build it during your relationship. Either way, just because you’re not single, doesn’t mean you should slack on yourself. If anything, you now need to work even harder to maintain your alone time.

This is NOT just time apart from your partner. Not just time doing your own chores or tasks. But also QUALITY time with yourself. Things that help you maintain your self-relationship and enjoy your own company.

Here are some ways to do so:

Create a “Me Time” Routine – Whether it’s your slow morning routine or a cosy nighttime wind-down ritual. Make sure you have daily or weekly time carved out just for you. Not only without your partner. Also, without distractions or working.
Go on Solo Walks Without Distractions – Leave your phone in your pocket or at home, and let yourself just be. Observe your surroundings, breathe deeply, and enjoy your own thoughts, moving your body and nature.
Take Yourself Out on Solo Dates – Go to your favourite café, museum, or park—alone. Dress up if you feel like it, and treat yourself like you would a romantic partner.
Set Personal Goals (That Have Nothing to Do with Your Partner) – Focus on your own growth—maybe it’s learning a language. Improving your fitness. Reading and learning new things. Developing new habits and/or removing old ones. Or saving for a solo trip.
Create Something That’s Just Yours – find small projects, perhaps DIYs or other things you enjoy that you can work on when you have time.

2) Continue to Work on Yourself

Just because you’re now with someone, doesn’t mean you are exempt from self-development. In fact, it means you need to work on yourself even more, so you don’t lose sight of yourself. From my experience, one or both partners neglecting themselves is the surest way to ruin a relationship. As a human, you’re always changing and evolving. If you don’t continually monitor and work on it, you’ll either be stuck or lost. Or both. This not only ruins your partnership but also the relationship with yourself.

When you put in the effort, you don’t lose sight of who you are. You don’t wake up one day and don’t recognise yourself anymore. You still have a strong self-relationship in a relationship. As you’re moving forward with it, and regularly reacquainting with the “new you”. When you share this progress with your partner, you also don’t grow apart from them.

Here are some ways to do so:

Practice self-reflection – Get in the habit of checking in with your thoughts, feelings, and needs. This not only helps you stay in tune with yourself. But also helps you control your emotions and reactions better.
Keep a journal – Document your growth and stay connected to your inner voice. Especially if you get lost often. This will help you stay on track and monitor your process and progress. Make sure to also celebrate how far you’ve come and adjust as needed.
Make time for therapy or coaching – Support your mental and emotional development. Sometimes you can’t cope with everything yourself and need someone neutral to help you through. And even see things differently.
Strengthen your boundaries – Protect your time, space, and energy as you grow. The more you do this, the easier it will be to maintain and uphold. Without letting anyone manipulate them or you. It also prevents you from merging your boundaries, with your partners.

3) Maintain Your Interests & Hobbies

While many often see it as a “waste of time” I see it as an extension of your personality. The best way to express yourself and who you are. With so much going on in your life, you need your space to focus on just doing things you love. For no other reason than you love and enjoy doing them. Yes, I know you’re busy and I know you want to spend the free time you do have with your partner. But the less you spend on things that matter to you, the less you feel like yourself. The more likely you are to lose yourself in your relationship. The more likely you are to end up resenting each other.

Your “hobbies time” is the best form of quality time there is with yourself. And one of the most efficient ways for maintaining self-identity while dating or in a relationship. It not only helps you connect through things you love most, but it also helps you gain skills, improve and feel better about yourself. Not to mention, super therapeutic. Make time for things you loved doing before the relationship, and perhaps neglected them. Or lost them when you got caught up in building your partnership. And maintain or bring it back into your life.

Here are some types of hobbies to focus on:

Creative Hobbies – Tap into your imagination, self-expression, and artistic flow. Such as: painting, drawing, knitting, photography, writing, scrapbooking, or poetry.
Physical & Movement-Based Hobbies – Help you reconnect with your body and relieve stress. Such as: Yoga or pilates, dance, hiking or nature walks, self-defence, swimming, group fitness or Zumba, or extreme sports.
Learning & Curiosity-Fueled Hobbies – Keep your mind sharp and give you a sense of progress. It stimulates your brain, expands your world, and feel proud of your personal growth. Be more curious, and don’t let things just pass you by. Such as: Reading (fiction, memoirs, or self-development), languages, online courses, podcasts, joining book clubs or online discussion groups.
Solo, Reflective Hobbies – Great for introspection, mindfulness, and decompressing. Such as: Meditation or breathwork, journaling or morning pages, gardening or plant care, mindful colouring or puzzles.
Exploratory Hobbies – Keep your adventurous spirit alive and explore who you are outside your relationship. See the world, as there’s so much more out there to experience. Such as: solo travel, museums or art galleries, urban exploring or photo walks, etc.

Your World Outside the Relationship

There’s a whole, wonderful world out there for you to explore. So if you’re wondering “how to not lose yourself in a relationship” – go explore it! You’re life shouldn’t revolve around your status or your partner. Neither should you remain stuck in your own little bubble and comfort zone. Whether it’s other relationships and people, or different places and things you can do. The last thing you want is to feel that your relationship is constricting you. Or keeping you stuck in your own tiny world. This will only make you suffocate and get sick of each other very quickly. You also don’t wanna be left with nothing but one relationship. There are many different aspects and sides to you – they can’t, and shouldn’t, all be satisfied by one person. This is way too much pressure and will also be very boring.

4) It’s Okay to Have Your Secrets

Let’s get this straight – no, I don’t mean you should hide things. (I actually think that in a healthy relationship, you feel more comfortable sharing and just being yourself). You shouldn’t be sneaking around and wasting energy on covering things up. You certainly shouldn’t be lying. But you also don’t have to share things that are just yours and don’t feel like sharing them with ANYONE. Like your guilty pleasure or your own wacky habits. Just like a small secret you may have with close friends that keeps you connected. This also helps you feel closer to yourself. There’s this one thing that’s just YOURS. No one else’s. Often, if you overshare and don’t have anything that’s just yours, it’s harder to hang on to who you are without losing yourself. There’s nothing left that is just for you.

Whatever it is, it’s okay to have these things for yourself. Without feeling guilty about them. You share enough with your partner, and these little “secrets” are crucial to help you feel that you’re not merging with them entirely.

Here are some secrets you can keep for yourself:

Writing/reading fanfiction or journaling secret fantasies – A playful, private space for creativity and escapism. A way to express your fantasies or stories in your imagination.
Watching “trash” TV or oddly specific YouTubers – Your go-to comfort content, even if it’s totally cringe to others. This is the best way to shut of your brain, and helps you not get too overwhelmed.
Pleasuring yourself in your own way – Exploring your body and desires without anyone else involved. Getting to know yourself and your body better. What you like and don’t.
A “secret identity” activity – Like using an alias for a forum, online game, or niche community you love. This also helps you escape into your own little world when the real one gets a bit too much. And you just need a break.
Quirky habits or rituals – Talking to your plants, making up songs while you cook, or narrating your day like it’s a show. I honestly love to share this with Ze’ev, and I feel like our crazy/weirdness match. But I get it, some quirks you want just for yourself.

5) Maintain the Rest of Your Life

Again, you NEED a life outside your relationship. Not only to not lose yourself, but also not to strain your relationship or get bored. This also makes you more appealing and interesting to people around you, and especially your partner. Imagine if they only had you, no one and nothing else. They would be a bit pathetic in your eyes, no? There’s nothing hotter than ambition. Then someone who’s doing something with themselves and their life. The opposite is quite the turn-off, isn’t it?

When you have more to yourself and your life, you also feel more connected to both. You have more to get up for, and it gives you what to LIVE for. I wholly believe that part of what makes Ze’ev and I work so well is that we both built a strong, meaningful life for ourselves before the relationship. And also maintain it now that we’re together. We even push and motivate each other, which only makes us stronger.

Here are some ways to do so:

Pursue your career goals and passions – Keep striving for success and fulfillment in your work life. And investing in your professional goals and long-term dreams. Even if you don’t wanna change the world or do something extraordinary. Find things that give you passion and light you up.
Get involved in your community – Volunteer, join clubs, or be active in causes you care about. Don’t get stuck between your four walls. It makes the world smaller, and the outside scarier. Paying it forward is also one of the most strengthening and rewarding things you could do.
Travel solo or with others (not your partner) – Explore new places and perspectives on your own terms. There’s nothing more empowering than travelling alone. It helps you grow thick-skinned and give less f*cks. It’s also an opportunity to meet interesting people, or travel with other loved ones – and grow closer to them, too.
Keep learning – Take a class, learn a new skill, or explore something totally random that fascinates you. Even if it’s reading books or downloading a learning app. Find the ways that suit you and fit best into your life.

6) Making Time for Friends & Family

There’s a tendency to neglect all other relationships (including our own) in your life when you’re in a relationship. In past relationships, I found that when they ended, I felt super alone because I pushed everyone away. In singlehood, I had all this time to nourish so many more than just one specific relationship. Now that I’m in a relationship, yes, it’s harder, but I make a conscious effort to maintain all other relationships. They’re an extension of who I am. They’re an inseparable part of me my world. Your family and friends provide more substance; people to learn from, do things with and share love and feelings. They make up your support system. The stronger it is, the stronger you are. And different people play different roles in your life. And as I mentioned, no one person (including yourself) should play or fit all roles.

Here are some ways to do so:

Schedule regular catch-ups – Set a monthly coffee date, dinner, or call—put it in your calendar like any other important commitment. Even short calls here and there can give you a huge boost.
Combine social time with daily routines – Invite a friend for a walk, cook dinner together, or do errands side-by-side—it doesn’t have to be a big event. This is especially great if you’re a busy person. Or have a lot on your plate.
Create traditions – Start regular rituals like Sunday dinners with family or monthly hikes with friends to build consistency. This not only creates stronger bonds but also adds adventures and excitement to your life. It helps you feel like you actually have a life outside your relationship.
Say yes to invites (even if your partner isn’t joining) – Give yourself permission to have fun, connect, and enjoy things outside of your relationship bubble. Don’t always get stuck at home or at work. Also, you don’t wanna stop getting invites altogether cuz you always say no.
Balance your weekends – Alternate between partner time and friend/family time so your social circle stays active and fulfilling. This includes sharing your time with one another’s family and friends together. And invites you into each other’s world, without disconnecting from yours.

Your One-on-One Dynamics

Your self-relationship is also reflected in how you treat each other. And how you interact in both everyday situations, and in strained or irregular moments. Such as when travelling, during arguments or when facing challenges. When you have a strong, healthy connection with yourself, it helps you connect better with others. It creates more effective and healthier interactions and dynamics. You no longer seek the dramatics or hand on to stupid sh*t. Let go of wasteful emotions and being petty. You can communicate better what you want, while also accepting their side. You’re stronger, more confident, and don’t break as easily. Nor will you let anyone put you down. You can bring yourself to the table more efficiently. If all you do is adapt to them in your interactions, you won’t be able to maintain individuality in a relationship or your self-relationship in a relationship.

7) Don’t Just Do What They Want

A relationship is not an excuse to stop making choices. It’s not an opportunity to have someone help you make all decisions. And if you are in such a relationship, it’s not a healthy one, and it’s certainly harming your self-relationship. Whether it’s you or them making the decisions. Or whether it’s done out of control, or a lack of it. You want to create a balance between doing things together (as in shared interests). And doing things that the other wants (as in sharing your own interests). It’s part of getting to know each other. And sharing who you are and what you bring with you. This not only allows you to grow closer to them, but also to hang onto YOU.

Don’t just follow them around and constantly just do what they want. There’s no need to constantly try pleasing them. This only takes away from yourself. You need to find the right amount of compromises together.

Here are some ways to do so:

Speak up about your preferences – Even for small things like what to eat or watch. Your opinions matter. Also, express your needs clearly. Don’t expect them to read your mind—say what you want, too. In a healthy relationship, you can accept each other’s wants and needs respectfully.
Take turns planning activities – Create a shared habit of alternating who chooses what to do. This is a great way to invite them into your world. Share your favourite things instead of always joining theirs. And vice versa.
Say “no” without guilt – Notice if you’re saying “yes” out of desire or habit. It’s okay to decline an invite or skip an activity if you’re not feeling it. And again, if the relationship is healthy, they will happily accept this. And won’t make you feel bad.
Keep practising decision-making – Don’t hand over the reins just because it’s easier. Stay engaged. Try to balance compromise with choice – Give sometimes, but not all the time.

8) It’s Okay to Split Up & Do Things Separately

There are times when you don’t need to do things together. And there are things you don’t have to share. Knowing when to let go and do things alone will help you create a healthy balance. Not only between the two of you, but also each of you with yourselves. Part of having good, healthy dynamics is knowing when not to force someone to do something with you. This also allows you to continue to feel comfortable with yourself and do things without them. The atmosphere will also be much less tense, as you don’t force things. And you don’t make each other feel guilty for not doing something with you.

When Ze’ev wants time alone, I not only encourage him to do so, but I’m also happy for myself. Because this way, I also get time to do my thing. And vice versa. It’s less clingy, and we feel less guilty.

Here are some ways to do so:

If your partner isn’t into it, do it solo – Don’t miss out just because they’re not interested and don’t force shared hobbies. It’s okay to enjoy things your partner doesn’t. You can’t always like or want the same things, and if you’re relationship makes you miss out, you’ll sure end up resentful.
Encourage alone time for both of you – See it as a gift, not a threat. Have faith in each other’s space. As healthy space builds trust, not distance. Don’t share every daily ritual. Create separate routines or rituals, whether it’s when you wake up, go to bed or during the day.
Be okay with different social plans – You don’t have to attend every event as a pair. Especially if there’s nothing to gain from it. Recently, Ze’ev gave me a pass from a recent family gathering. I was exhausted and had work to do, and no one there would have missed me anyway. So Ze’ev didn’t have to worry about me, and we saved ourselves some stress. And he definitely gained some brownie points.
Let each other recharge in your own way – Some people need quiet, others need movement—respect that. Knowing what each of you needs is key, and to do so, you need to communicate openly.

9) Don’t Try to Fix Each Other’s Problems

It’s great you now have someone to lean on (and you should), but you can’t and shouldn’t expect them to fix all of your problems. This is true for both when entering the relationship and while in it. Meaning, you should seek a relationship to fix your unhappiness, loneliness or even expense problems. And when in it, don’t rely on them to give you solutions to problems you have in your life. It’s also the best way to show faith in yourself, your strength, and your ability to cope.

Recently, I lost part of my work, and while Ze’ev was super helpful, I didn’t need him to swoop in and fix everything. I just needed him to be there for me, listen and hug me. When I was single, I learned to fend for myself. And while now I have someone to help me, which is great, I don’t want to lose all my independence. I also believe that you need to stabilise your own ground and face your issues head-on. It’s your job to mend your life, not theirs. It’s the only way to grow stronger and be successful.

Here are some ways to do so:

Vent, don’t dump – Share what’s going on, but don’t expect them to have the solution. Just being heard is often enough. Don’t offload on them. Talk openly about your problems, but don’t place the responsibility on your partner to solve them.
Resist jumping in with solutions – When your partner shares something tough, ask, “Do you want advice or just someone to listen?” Often, they’ll just need you to be there. Not to just in with solutions or advice. Be their cheerleader, not their fixer – You don’t need to be their therapist. Just being there, cheering them on, is more than enough.
Ask for comfort, not answers – Let your partner know if you need a hug, a safe space to talk, or reassurance—not advice.
Don’t take on their emotional weight – Support with empathy, but don’t carry their struggles as your responsibility to solve.
Have your own coping tools – Build a personal toolkit of strategies like journaling, therapy, movement, or time in nature. Encourage self-trust – Remind each other of your inner strength and capacity to handle life’s challenges. Keep investing in your independence – Financially, emotionally, mentally—continue building a life that stands strong on its own.

How to stay true to yourself while dating or in a relationship

If you find yourself wondering, ‘Why do I lose my sense of self in a relationship?’… It may be because you don’t have a strong enough sense of who you are. Especially who you are outside the relationship. To be honest, most people don’t, because they mostly waste their singlehood on trying to escape it, instead of embracing it. If you feel lost in your relationship, it’s not the relationship you need to fix, and no other relationship will. The only one that will is your self-relationship. Everything begins with it, and all other relationships are built on it. So if you want to learn how to maintain your self-relationship and individuality when you’re in a relationship. You first need to build your own base. Without it, there’s nothing to maintain, and you just lose yourself in your relationships with others.

Having this strong base, and then maintaining it in a relationship, will not only help you with how do you fix losing yourself in a relationship… But also how to make sure you don’t lose yourself in a relationship in the first place.