Top Relationship Goals for When You’re Single and Dating

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These are the top 10 relationship goals for when you’re single and dating, including dating goals examples – to help you date better and find the right person for you.

When you’re single and dating, often you have one goal, and one goal only: find a partner ASAP. Why? Because you can’t stand being alone, and you fear you won’t ever find a partner. So you need to do so quickly. And the more time passes, the less desirable you feel, and the more you believe there’s something wrong with you.

There’s also a sense that all the “good fish” are being caught all around you, and you’re missing out. This causes you to go into desperate mode, and toss all goals and boundaries out the window. Will this help you find someone faster? Sure. But will it be someone who’s actually suitable for you? I highly doubt it.

When I was single, I spent a big chunk of my time going on date, after date after date. And each failed more miserably than the one before. Each failed date made me feel worse about myself and set my bar even lower. Because clearly, I’m not even good enough for the worst of them, right? NO! It was because I had no red lines or aspirations that I kept dating all the wrong people…

This didn’t change until I did a lot of internal work, as well as set very clear relationship goals for my dating life.

Table of Contents

Your Perimeter Goals

You should have evident lines marking your radius in general, but especially when dating. And defining your relationship goals for when you’re single and dating. No one is allowed in, nor bend these lines, if they don’t meet your standards. Simple as that. Even if they’re super charming (especially the charming ones, they’re the most dangerous)… If they’ve come to stir sh*t up or don’t align with your core values – they gotta go.

The people you allow into your close circle, are also the ones that impact you most. They have the most push and pull, which is why you don’t wanna let just anyone in.

1) Set Healthy Boundaries

First, define what your boundaries are. To do this, you can reflect on things that made you feel hurt, sad, unbalanced, chaotic, etc. Such feelings are indicators of what isn’t good for you. Then think of what makes you feel good, what kind of people uplift you, etc.

Once you’ve got them clearly stated, it will be easier for you to understand and stand by them. With time, you’ll also be better at deducing what is and isn’t good for you. And you’ll be much more equipt to detect what’s working and what isn’t.

For example, here are some of my healthy boundaries:

+ No flakiness or people who aren’t dependable. If they’re constantly coming and going. Never there when you need them. Aren’t clear on what they want or how they feel. I can’t trust or rely on their word, they’re never 100% present.

+ People who don’t vote with their feet, don’t get to take up space. These are people who will constantly make you second-guess. You’ll always doubt and be confused about how they feel. Words are easy, and I only believe them when they come from someone who’s proven himself to stand by them. When their action matches their words. Or even better, when they just speak with their actions.

+ My space is a drama-free zone. I no longer have the patience or the capacity to put up with theatrics and melodramatic scenes. They don’t serve me. They only cause me stress. And I’m not gonna tolerate anyone who disrupts my tranquillity.

2) Prioritise Mutual Effort

Healthy relationships are built on balanced give-and-take. You need to get as much as you’re giving, and vice versa. Look for a partner who reciprocates effort, energy and care, etc.

Someone who expects you to make space for them, but doesn’t do the same for you, shouldn’t be able to enter your radius. You shouldn’t constantly need to chase them to get attention and affection. The right person will wanna give it to you without being asked.

For example, here are some of what mutual effort means to me:

+ I ain’t waiting on the back burner. If someone wants the privilege of being with me, they cannot remember me only when it suits them. They can’t be hot and cold. Or keep me waiting around for when they’re “ready”. Or when they’re up for it.

+ Give as much as you’re getting. If someone is not putting in any effort (say, just texting “Hey”), don’t waste your energy on more than that. Sure, it can’t always be 50-50, but when you’re just in the dating phase… If they can’t be bothered to invest in you, neither should you.

+ Don’t accept the bare minimum. Being satisfied with the crumbs or showing you’re open to minimal effort, will only attract all the wrong people. To get what you deserve, you need to only allow people who give it to you, into your life.

3) Stay True to Your Standards

Know your deal-breakers and don’t compromise on them for the sake of a relationship. The more you compromise, the more you’ll date the wrong people for you. Which will only lead to attracting the worst.

Sacrificing your core needs and standards can not only lead to all the wrong people but also resentment or dissatisfaction later on. Create a list of non-negotiables (e.g., kindness, respect, ambition, maturity) and use it as a guide.

For example, here are some of my key standards:

+ Knowing my values and what my non-negotiables are. You’re always gonna need to compromise on something. But not on what matters most to you. Defining these suitably to you will help you stick to them.

+ I ain’t stooping to low levels. If you’re dating all the wrong people, they’ll try to bring you down and lower your standard for them. But the right person will meet you at the top, and even lift you up further. They won’t drag you back or down.

4) Have Fun and Stay Present

Enjoy the process of dating without putting too much pressure on outcomes. The more you have fun with it, the more you’ll be able to be present in the process. When you enjoy something, you want to invest in it more, and you’ll do a better job at it. Not to mention, it just adds a light tone to everything, and won’t be as daunting.

Staying present allows you to connect authentically and avoid burnout. It allows you to be more focused on what truly matters. Approach dating as an opportunity to meet new people and learn about yourself. And don’t see every failed date as the end of the world.

For example, here are some of my ways of having fun & being present:

+ Making interesting plans that are appealing to me. Don’t do the same thing on every date. And don’t set ones that are just boring, just for the sake of going on a date. They don’t have to be over-the-top, but they should include something that you look forward to.

+ If you can’t commit to it, just don’t go. If you can’t be fully present, without comparing to others. Or without thinking about all the things you need to do or wanna do instead… Then you probably don’t wanna be there and it won’t be a good date.

Your Accountability Goals

If you haven’t worked on yourself first, then you won’t really be able to set the goals above properly. Nor will anyone take you seriously. Not only will you struggle to define your relationship goals for when you’re single and dating… You’ll have an even harder time upholding them.

To be able to have the backbone to stand up to others, especially in dating, you first need to build and uphold it. Which requires having self-discipline, relying on yourself, and being dependable and strong.

5) Cultivate Emotional Maturity

Build the ability to communicate feelings openly, listen actively, and handle conflicts with grace. Healthy relationships thrive on emotional intelligence and mutual understanding. And if they get overwhelmed by your feelings, or can’t handle them – they’re not right for you.

But also learn to control your emotions, and not get flooded by them. Practice self-awareness, regulate emotions and learn to express needs without blame or defensiveness.

For example, here’s one of my ways of maintaining emotional maturity:

+ I no longer let my ego lead me. Don’t put yourself down, but also don’t let your pride dictate your emotions and reactions. Part of being in a mature, healthy relationship is being able to accept criticism and that you’re not always right.

Putting your ego aside will prevent you from getting defensive and heated, and help you hear the other person better. Which is an opportunity for growth. If someone takes advantage of this, then it’s also a great indicator that they’re not right for you.

6) Foster Independence Within the Relationship/Dating

Maintain a sense of self and continue to stick to your personal goals while building a partnership/dating. Don’t give up your time alone or all the time you spend on “doing your thing” for someone else. Don’t lose yourself or your hobbies in the process of dating.

Healthy relationships are made up of two whole individuals. Not people seeking to “complete” each other. People who are “whole beings” on their own. Keep pursuing your passions, friendships, and personal development alongside dating. And look for people who are doing the same.

For example, here’s one of my main ways to be independent:

+ If it takes over your life, you’re losing yourself. The goal is not to let this happen, which requires self-awareness and honesty. No matter how important it is for you to find someone, it won’t ever be worth it if you need to lose sight of yourself for this. Whether it’s by neglecting yourself, your life beyond dating and your hobbies. Or by losing sight of who you are and letting go of your boundaries.

Allowing yourself to compromise too much, especially on what matters most… Is usually due to not being independent enough, and overly relying on your dates/relationships.

7) Commit to Self-Love First

Only start relationships from a place of wholeness, not seeking validation or rescue. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Self-love is the foundation for a healthy relationship with someone else. It not only attracts better, but it also allows you to receive the love you’re getting properly.

Continue nurturing your self-esteem, setting boundaries, and celebrating your independence throughout the process of dating. As well as in your relationship, once you establish it. Embracing yourself and loving yourself first will help you find someone better suited for you. And stand up for yourself when needed.

For example, here’s how I prioritise and commit to self-love:

+ I love myself more than I love the idea of someone loving me. Yes, it’s wonderful and you deserve to find someone who will love you wholeheartedly. But NOT at the expense of your love for yourself. Once you love the idea more, it’ll be harder to stand up for yourself and what you want. You’ll always prioritise them and their needs.

+ My self-love is the prime-example. Of course, you can be loved even if you don’t love yourself. But you won’t be able to truly accept it if you don’t even love yourself. Nor will you demand the love you deserve. And you’re more likely to settle. Your self-love is a showcase to others on how to love you and how you’re willing to be loved.

Your Matching Goals

Now that you have your goals for yourself and your potential partner, it’s time to set goals for finding the right connection. These are not goals you need to set together with them, but they are important to discuss and make clear.

Defining these goals will help you refine the search for the right match for you. They will navigate your focus to what’s most important, and keep you on the right track. This will also help you understand quicker who’s right for you and who isn’t. Thus preventing you from wasting your time and energy.

8) Prioritise Compatibility Over Chemistry

Focus on finding someone whose values, lifestyle, and goals align with yours. This not only helps you find someone who’s better suited for you… But also someone who’ll be able to integrate better into your life, and vice versa.

Chemistry can spark attraction (and can take time to develop), but compatibility sustains a relationship over time. Just because you have great chemistry with someone, doesn’t mean you’re compatible. But if you’re compatible, you can find your chemistry as you go. However, you need to be sure that they’re both present and balance each other out.

Ask meaningful questions early on to gauge alignment on key topics like family, finances, and personal growth. If it feels right and isn’t forced, don’t wait just because it’s the first date, or feels heavy. If they’re scared easily by such questions, it’s also a great indicator. Especially if you’re over 30 and don’t have time to waste. (Though I believe we never have time to waste, no matter our age).

For example, here’s my top compatibility rule:

+ Don’t look for the fireworks, look for the small spark. The right person for you won’t necessarily ignite the “wow” factor. Or even cause butterflies in your stomach. At least not at first. We seek a love that makes a grand entrance, one that sweeps us off our feet. Even though real love starts with a small gut feeling, which slowly ignites.

What’s the difference? With the first one you’re starting high, then crashing down (at first slowly and subtly, then quickly with a bang). The second one starts at the base you build for yourself, then gradually grows and enhances, and is usually more stable.

9) Embrace Growth Together

Seek a partner who is not only open to personal growth and mutual development… But also to sharing this process with you. It doesn’t mean you need to share and do everything together. Just that you need to grow together, so you don’t grow apart and create gaps.

Relationships flourish when both individuals are committed to learning and evolving. Not only as a unit but also as individuals. They go hand in hand, and being aware of this will help you grow better. Discuss goals, dreams, and self-improvement efforts, and encourage each other’s progress.

For example, here’s how I embrace growth with my partner:

+ Putting my ego aside to resolve conflicts/arguments, and not trying to win. If you wanna grow together, you need to win together. Not try to win against the other. The goal is to understand each other and learn from your disagreements so you can do better in the future.

+ Continues and regular open communication. If you don’t make a habit of talking openly and sharing what you’re going through (from a very early stage) – you’ll just end up losing touch. As humans, we’re constantly evolving. If you “keep in touch” with your partner, you’ll evolve together. If not, you’ll grow apart.

10) Align Intentions Early

Be clear about what you need and what you’re looking for (the type of relationship, what you want from it, and what type of person you’re seeking). Misaligned intentions can lead to confusion or heartbreak. If they’re not clear on their intentions, don’t let them lead you along or keep you waiting around for them to make up their mind.

Again, you don’t have time to waste so have honest conversations early in the dating process to ensure you’re on the same page. Don’t “suck it up” just for the sake of keeping them. Don’t drag them along just cause you wanna have someone or are afraid to be alone. And don’t let them drag you.

For example, here’s my top ways to align my intentions:

+ If I can’t be open and honest about what I want, then it’s not for me. If you just feel awkward or if they make you feel bad, then something isn’t working. You need to stand up for what you want, be assertive and not settle for someone who won’t accept it.

Aligning your intentions starts with being comfortable to be yourself and talk about it. No masks. No filtering your words. And no fear of scaring them away if you say or do the wrong thing.

It wasn’t until I started setting proper relationship goals for when I was single and dating, that I found better men, more suited for me.

This mindset may have not always ended up being right for me. But still gave me hope that there’s someone out the for me. It’s NOT about dating as much as you can. It’s about dating intentionally and being selective. When you have standards, you may date less, but you’ll attract better.

You don’t need to have or know all your goals all at once. They’ll likely take you time and experience to establish. It’s important to continue refining and developing them as you go; the new and old ones alike. You can’t just fire-and-forget, as this will just cause you to loosen your hold and lose your full control.