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How a Healthy Self-Relationship Can Help You Develop a Healthy Romantic Relationship

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These are the top 12 ways how a healthy self-relationship can help you develop a healthy romantic relationship

A few months ago I started a new romantic relationship. It’s my first serious relationship in seven years (of singlehood). And it’s also the most healthiest relationship I’ve ever hard. Being in our 30’s and more mature certainly contributes to it. But I believe that the main component is having done a lot of personal work and growth. We’ve both taken quite a few years to be alone and develop as individuals first. We talk a lot about how our relationship wouldn’t have lasted, and would’ve likely been toxic, had we met a few years back. I see arguments that my friends have with their partners (having not taken time in singlehood and to work on themselves), and they’re absurd to me now. My boyfriend and I don’t have them, and in the following 12 methods, you’ll see exactly why.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to effortlessly navigate the realms of romantic relationships, while others struggle with heartaches and conflicts? The secret might just lie in the one relationship we often overlook – the relationship we have with ourselves. In this blog post, we’ll explore the profound impact of a healthy self-relationship on your romantic endeavours. What are the benefits of having a healthy relationship with yourself? What is a healthy relationship with yourself, anyway? And why is working on yourself so essential to nurturing a successful and fulfilling romantic partnership? Join me as we unravel these intriguing questions and discover the transformative and self-discovery.

Being true to yourself

In the world of dating and relationships, it’s easy to lose sight of who you truly are in an attempt to please or impress others. However, the first, most important step in finding a romantic partner and creating a healthy relationship with them… Is nurturing a strong self-relationship and connection with yourself. Being true to yourself means understanding your values, desires, and boundaries. When you embrace your individuality and authenticity, you become more attractive to potential partners who align with your true self. This authenticity forms a solid foundation for a healthy romantic relationship because it’s built on honesty and genuine connection, not on pretending to be someone you’re not.

1. Refuse to wear masks

Or in other words – stop conforming and tweaking yourself to be someone you’re not. Or someone that someone else needs you to be. This is something that comes both with maturity (another reason why I love my 30s!). And with singlehood, because you learn to just embrace yourself and who you are. You become so comfortable being true to yourself, you can no longer be bothered to even attempt trying to be something you’re not. Being you becomes your comfort zone. Which is probably the one and only time you should be okay with being cosy and stagnant in your comfort zone. You refuse to waste your time or energy on pretending. With the right person (and people in general) you won’t need or want to wear masks. In the right relationship for you, you won’t need to hide who you really are, and/or pretend to be someone you’re not. And when you’re good with yourself and your life, you won’t mind waiting ‘till they find you. 

2. Don’t filter or tame yourself

No, before you even go there, I don’t mean you should start speaking everything on your mind all the time. Nor should you start being overly honest with everyone. But you should always be honest with yourself. And when you’re with someone, you shouldn’t constantly have to consider your words carefully, or worry about saying the wrong thing. If they make you feel like you have to tame yourself or your words to be accepted by them, then they’re not worthy of you. And when you’re in a relationship, you also want to keep open, honest communication, talk about the heavy things in a lighter tone. Don’t bottle things up or sweep things under the rug. The best way to avoid blow-ups and arguments, is by just talking to each other. Sharing your thoughts and feelings without making such a big deal about it.

3. Stop accepting someone who doesn’t accept you

Singlehood provides you with the time you need to learn the beautiful art of walking away. And to be okay to walk away. People start taking you for granted when you’re willing to put up with anything, when you stay even though you shouldn’t. And we do this, because we’re more afraid of being on our own. When you get passed this initial fear, you discover a world of opportunities, of self-empowerment. You learn to accept yourself, and refuse to allow just anyone in (romantic and platonic alike). If someone can’t accept you for you, it’s either their problem or just the wrong fit for both of you. Stop wasting your time on such people, and you’ll make space not only for self-acceptance… But also for people who do and will accept you.

4. You attract better people

We radiate exaqctly what we’re willing to receive, which is why we often attract all of the wrong people. We’d rather them, anyone we can get, than no one at all – than being alone. Yet, we’re more miserable than we ever could have been while being on our own (even when we don’t make something of it). So we keep attracting more and more misery, until we’re just stuck in this never-ending cycle. The best way to put an end to it, is by pausing (because it clearly ain’t working) and taking a break from it. Instead, focus on yourself and shift your mindset, create your world, live a fulfilling life. When we are living our best life in our singlehood, we radiate confidence, positivity and that we’re not willing to put up with blush*it. So we don’t attract it, and instead, start developing a magnetic pull to people who do deserve us. 

Maintaining the drama-free mentality

When you’ve cultivated a healthy relationship with yourself, you’re less likely to engage in unnecessary drama or emotional turmoil in your romantic relationships. You’re better equipped to communicate effectively, handle conflicts maturely, and prioritise solutions over conflicts. This newfound emotional stability contributes to the creation of a healthier and more harmonious partnership, where both you and your partner can thrive. When you’ve learned to manage your emotions, communicate effectively, and keep a calm demeanor, you bring stability to your partnerships. This translates into a more peaceful and fulfilling romantic connection, where conflicts are resolved with grace and respect, and both partners can grow together.

5. Remaining peaceful & calm…

…and not accepting anyone who disrupts this or tries to play games with you. Singlehood is so peaceful and calm because there’s no one to push your buttons or test your limits. One of the things I loved most about it, was the lack of petty arguments and stupid fights. So I had a wonderful opportunity to embrace the tranquil mindset, while letting go of the part of me that thrived on the action of the chase, games and melodrama. Doing so, made me unable to let go of this and I insisted on bringing it with me into my new relationship. Which made it not only so much more calm and peaceful, but also way healthier. We don’t try to play games with each other, nor do we seek out petty arguments, just to spice things up. We remain calm when something stirs, and try to be peaceful within it. 

6. Loving with chill vibes

Contrary to what hollywood and fairytales want you to believe, love doesn’t have to be all fireworks, super intense or overly dramatic. It’s not about “love at first sight”, or being consumed by your passion. Nor should it be a constant uphill battle or “fighting” with all your might for your love. It takes effort, not constant hard work, melodrama and arguing. Only accept a relationship if it doesn’t disrupt your peace and tranquility. Integrate your drama-free vibes from your singlehood into your  feelings in your relationship. Your love for each other should be stable and mellow. And when you take the time for yourself to let go of what love “should be”… You have better capacity for creating the real love that you need.

7. Reacting, not overreacting

With this peaceful and mellow vibes I adopted during singlehood… I learned how to regulate my emotions better. And manage my reactions in a more productive and efficient manner. In ways that help improve the situation, and learn from it, instead of deteriorating it. I now pick my battles very carefully. For the most part, overreacting, or trying to “fight” your partner, will only make it worse. I no longer strive to “be right” or “win” the fight, I strive to prevent and settle it the best way for our relationship. I now try to solve, understand and learn by reacting calmly, and asking the right questions – not just trying to prove my point or turn it on them. By reacting in such a manner, you create a safer and open space to share without fear, no matter who is in the wrong. And you create room for growth and open, healthy communication.

8. Boring is bliss

Contrary to popular belief, singlehood isn’t for sleeping around and only experimenting with different people and beds. It’s the time to get to know yourself better, and just be alone for a while. Find the “action” elsewhere. You learn to thrive without constantly seeking out mindblowing stimulations, especially as you mature and enter your 30’s. In your new relationship, you also learn how to enjoy the small, simple things together, and choosing to not create drama just to spice things up. You find better, more mellow ways to do so, that don’t require seeking confrontation. It creates stability, you’re not constantly worried when one of you will blow up and walk out. Instead of picking fights and seeking out the action, I thrive on the “boring” and make space for much better things, for open communication and trust. 

Refuse to lose yourself in them

When you’ve embraced singlehood and nurtured a healthy self-relationship, you understand the importance of maintaining your individuality within a romantic partnership. When you know your worth and have a strong sense of self, you won’t lose your identity within the relationship. Instead of becoming overly dependent on your partner for happiness and validation, you retain your own passions, interests, and goals. This not only makes you more attractive and interesting but also ensures that you bring your best self to the relationship, fostering a deeper and more fulfilling connection with your romantic partner. By staying true to yourself, maintaining a drama-free mentality, and refusing to lose yourself in your partner, you create the ideal conditions for a healthy and lasting romantic relationship.

9. You grow together & as individuals

In a romantic relationship, two people should be able to continue to develop as individuals, while growing together as a unit. This is made so much easier and smoother, when you enter said relationship when you already have a life of your own. Take advantage of your singlehood to create a world for yourself, with a variety of content and substance. Then, continue to centre yourself in your own world, continue to fill yourself up with more things other than your romantic relationship. And don’t change your whole world or bring yourself down, just to fit them in. neither of you should flip or rotate your whole lives around just to make it work. Even in your relationship, you each have your own life, and don’t give it all up just for them

10. They’re not your main source of happiness…

You are! And they are just another, extra source. A relationship will crumble under the pressure if one or both of people depend on it too much for happiness, strength, a sense of purpose or entertainment. Your happiness should still continue to come from within you, even when you’re in a relationship. Because no matter how much you want to believe it… If you’re not happy alone, you won’t truly be happy with anyone if you’re depending on them to be your main source of happiness. A relationship shouldn’t and won’t make you happier than in your singlehood. It should and will be an addition to your happiness, a different kind of joy. When you have a strong, healthy self-relationship, you know that they don’t complete you, nor are they the main reason you’re happy. They are just an added bonus.

11. Don’t give up your alone time

One of the most fundamental aspects of developing a self-relationship, is learning how to spend quality time with yourself. And when you take time to do so in your singlehood, you won’t neglect it when you’re in a relationship. Neither one of you should stop spending quality alone time. You need to spend mindful and purposeful time apart from each other. First, to continue your personal development and maintain your self-relationshio. Second, to take “breaks” from each other, so things don’t get too intense and lead to arguments. It also enhances the time you do spend together, and makes it that much more special. This creates less strain on your relationship, and even strengthens it, especially when you support each other and how you each spend your alone time

12. Accept only the love you deserve

And don’t accept anything less than that, no matter how charming they are. Thanks to your strong, healthy self-relationship, you know your worth and no one gets a ‘free-pass’ in your life, or any exceptions. When you’re strong on your own, you wont hesitate to let go of the people who don’t treat you right. You’ll refuse to settle for anything less than you deserve. These people, who don’t treat you right, only block you from the right people. And when you’re the right person for yourself first, the “other right person” for you will have a better, clearer path to you.

In conclusion – the benefits of having a healthy relationship with yourself are immeasurable

It’s about self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-love, all of which pave the way for happier, healthier romantic relationships. A healthy self-relationship means you understand your values, prioritise self-care, and maintain your individuality even when deeply connected with someone else. It’s the key to keeping the drama at bay and fostering mature, open communication in your partnerships. Ultimately, working on yourself is not a selfish act; it’s a gift you give both to yourself and to your future romantic relationships. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself, and when it thrives, so will your love life. So, embrace your singlehood, nurture your self-relationship, and watch as it becomes the solid foundation upon which you build a healthy, fulfilling romantic relationship.

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Stay safe, stay healthy and stay strong!
Michal B.L.

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Hey there! My name is Michal, I was born and raised in Israel, currently I live in a small city near Jerusalem. I'm a certified life coach, and in my Single Life Blog, I write about single life in all its glory and share Single Life Lessons to help you embrace yourself and your singlehood. I offer tips and advice for a better, happy single life, how to be independent, feel comfortable in your own skin and company, and how to not chase toxic people - all of which are based on my own 7-year single life experience.