How to Be Happily Single - Michal B. Lehman

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These are the 5 pillars to help you be happily single, and the 20 ways to develop them

More often than not, you’re not happy being single, because you don’t want to be.

One of the most frequent comments I get is something along the lines of… “But I don’t wanna be happily single, because I don’t want to be single forever”. You believe that spending time and energy on learning how to be happily single, is not only a waste, but also prevents you from finding someone. It’s a very common misconception… That enjoying and loving your singlehood is pushing you further away from finding someone, when in actuality, it’s bringing you closer. It’s certainly going to help you find someone better, who is right for you, and avoid those who aren’t. Similarly to how developing a healthy self-relationship, helps you develop healthier relationships with others in general, and romantic ones specifically.

Table of Contents

What does happily single mean?

Other than the generic – it just means you’re happy in your life while also being single… Your happiness level in your singlehood depends on what you fill it with and how you spend it. If you invest in your single life and in filling it with things that make you happy… That’s exactly what it will be.

Let’s break it down:

Filling your time and life with the things and people who bring joy and happiness.
Removing those that don’t, and are only holding you back.
Living a fulfilling life; with all the things you love, enjoy and make you feel good.
Choosing to focus on what you do have, taking advantage of it and all single life has to offer.
Choosing to focus on the positive aspects of your single life; freedom, space, drama-free, etc.

I cannot teach you happiness. But I can guide you towards the things that will make you feel happy and fill your life with joy. This post includes all of the aspects and methods I used in my own journey, to learn how to be happily single. If you want to find and feel happiness in your singlehood as well… It is possible to be happy single. You just need to put in the work and make the effort to make the change you need.

The first thing you need to keep in mind when seeking happiness… Is that it’s not a destination or a goal. Your singlehood journey is a combination and mix of many different emotions. This includes happiness, but also every other emotion. As humans, we have all of these feelings and emotions for a reason. We’re meant to feel them and not suppress or shove them down. However, you do need to learn how to navigate and manage them. And how to allow them access, without letting them consume you. So is it possible to be happily single? Yes, but will it come easy? No. Just like anything else in life.

The Five Pillars of Being Happily Single

These are the five main pillars that you need to work on in your single life, to create stable and sustainable happiness within it. Combining these five pillars in your day-to-day life in one form or another… Will not only help you be more happily single but also source your happiness from within you… While depending less on others to constantly do it for you.

Pillar 1 – Finding Your Passion/s

I bet you already know what your passion is, even if you don’t realise it just yet. Ask yourself this… What are you good at more than anything? What do you want to do with yourself and your life? And what is it that boils and bubbles under your skin, and deep in your gut? Your passions are your biggest dreams and goals in life, what you want to do with yourself and your life.

There are 3 key elements of finding your passion:

These elements will even make you thankful for this opportunity to make something of yourself and your passion.

1) Your passion is your baby:
It’s what you have and want to bring into the world. We all need our baby, but we don’t all need it to be an actual baby. In fact, more often than not, we will all need a passion, but not necessarily a baby.

2) Make you feel good:
Filling your time with your passion, with the thing that you care about most and want to make an impact and change with, will make you feel like you’re being productive and doing something with yourself.

3) Redirect your energy:
Instead of crying over not having an actual baby and husband… Use that energy and time to find your passion and grow it. You will feel fulfilled, and won’t even have time to continue to cry over being single.

4 Ways to practise your passion:

What better time to work and develop your passion, than in your singlehood? You have the time, space and freedom to do so. And you should take advantage of it so that when you do find someone, you’ll already be more established.

1) Your career:
Investing more time and energy in advancing in your field. Improving your work and efficiency. Or finding a new path for you to take and grow in.

2) A side hustle:
Develop and maintain what you’re passionate about, besides your career. Something you want to create and/or make an impact with.

3) Leisure pursuit:
Taking your interests to the next level; Whether it’s travelling, hiking and nature, a sport, your hobbies. Or anything else you want to try and explore.

4) Activism & philanthropy:
Be an active participant in your community, volunteer at local organisations, charities and nonprofits. Or join a cause you’re passionate about.

Pillar 2 – Quality Alone Time

Being single you will likely spend a good chunk of your time on your own… And the main reason why you feel so lonely… Is because you’re probably wasting it away, and not spending any quality time with yourself. Instead of rotting on the couch in front of screens and social media, invest in things that help you not only enjoy your alone time but also look forward to it.

There are 4 key elements of spending quality alone time:

These elements will help you make the most of your alone time, and take advantage of it better, to be more comfortable in your own company, presence and skin.

1) It’s not about the amount of time:
Just because you spend more time with yourself, it doesn’t mean you’ll improve if you don’t do it properly. It’s not about how much time, but what you do in that time that matters. You have to put thought and intention into it and certainly do more than just waste the time away with screens.

2) Find the balance between nothing and proactivity:
Just like you shouldn’t spend all of your alone time doing nothing, you also shouldn’t spend all of it being active. You need to find the right sweet spot for you that will prevent you from being too stagnant on the one hand, and jaded on the other.

3) The more you avoid, the harder it will be:
Avoiding your alone time will make you dread it more, and see it as a punishment. You can’t really avoid yourself forever, can you? The longer you drag out coping with it, the more difficult it will be. You need to take the plunge, and with time and practice, it will get easier.

4) Don’t bail on yourself:
Certainly not last minute, just like you wouldn’t with your BFF. This signals to yourself that you’re not worthy or that you don’t care enough. Make time, even schedule it if you can, and make it a priority… Not the first thing to go if something pops up.

4 Ways to Spend Quality Alone Time:

You can’t spend every single waking moment with other people, so by default you will have to spend time on your own. You also can’t spend all of your alone time being super productive, working or studying.

5) Hobbies:
You often see this as a waste of time in your busy lives. But it’s actually something that will nourish your soul most. Your hobbies not only help you lessen your boredom… It also helps you relax and recharge, while also being somewhat productive.

6) Dating yourself:
Just like you’d date a partner or a friend, you also need to date yourself. This time should be extra special, not something you do all the time, and requires a bit more thought and investment. And will help you connect better and bond with yourself.

7) Developing & maintaining old and new skills:
Your singlehood is the greatest time to discover new things that you’re good at, as well as nurture the ones you already know. Learning new skills will help you feel good about yourself, fend for yourself better, and become a better person who can help others and yourself.

8) Therapeutic activities:
Some hobbies and learning new skills are also great ways to calm your mind and anxiety. They give you something else to focus your attention on and distract you from any ill feelings. As well as fill you with better feelings, because you’re doing and accomplishing something; small, but impactful.

Pillar 3 – Take care of yourself

How can you ever be happy with yourself and your life if you don’t take care of yourself? And how can something as fundamental as caring for yourself ever be considered selfish? You are the one and only person who you can always count on no matter what. You are your only constant. And this is your life. You need to not only drag your body from point A to point B. You need to actually live your life properly. And I’ll ask again, how can you do that without taking care of yourself?

There are 3 key elements of taking care of yourself:

These elements will help you take care of yourself better and more efficiently, and be better at putting yourself and your needs first.

1) Don’t neglect it or skip:
Even if you’re tired, not feeling well or it’s late; Try as best you can to never skip a step in your self-care routines. Don’t neglect yourself in favour of another task, and don’t turn it into something that’s easily removed from your day.

2) Focus on what makes you feel good:
You don’t have to go all out or try extravagant things; all you need is what you like. Whatever it is that you enjoy, love and make you feel good, focus on that. It shouldn’t feel like a chore or something to just check off your list, make sure to also actively make it something you enjoy.

3) Carve out special time & schedule it:
You don’t have to schedule every hygiene routine, but the only way to ensure you make time for your self-care is if you literally make time for it in advance. If you only leave it for the last minute, once you already have a full schedule, you won’t ever have time. Sure you can also have spur-of-the-moment self-care time, which is great, but to make a habit of it, you need to schedule it regularly.

4 Ways to take care of yourself:

This is your charging time; moments throughout your day, week and month where you regain your energy, strengthen yourself and calm yourself and your overthinking mind. Whether it’s by nourishing and taking care of your mind, body or soul, or giving yourself some much-needed special treatment and pampering.

9) Live a healthy lifestyle:
Whether it’s eating healthy or cutting out unhealthy foods. Or working out regularly, even walking daily. Find ways for you to do this in a manner that you can be consistent in; because your body is your fortress. Also, it’s your home for your whole life, so make sure it’s one that can keep you strong and healthy for a long time.

10) Personal hygiene:
How can you ever be happily single if you’re not even taking care of yourself in the most basic, fundamental of ways? If you don’t care for your personal hygiene, not only will you feel disgusting and disgusted with yourself… But you will also likely repel others.

11) Pamper yourself regularly:
Being happily single means you’re showing yourself that you are worthy of your love, attention and affection. This includes going the extra mile to invest in a self-care routine. One that goes beyond regular and basic hygiene. It will rejuvenate you, help you feel refreshed, and make you feel better about yourself. Which will also radiate outside to the world, and help you attract better.

12) Clearing & Cleansing Your Mind:
In addition to clearing and cleansing your body and soul, you also need to take time to clear your mind. Which tends to overthink and work overtime. You need to take small moments throughout the day and week to do the same. Whether it’s regular breaks, going outside, breathing techniques or therapeutic activities.

Pillar 4 – Remove toxic people & habits

One of the main things holding you back from being happily single is being surrounded by all the wrong people. Who are the toxic people you need to remove from your life? The ones that never put in any effort, and make you do it all. These are people who never show up for you. They: come and go from your life as they please, whenever is best for them. Use you and take advantage of you. Demand you be there for them when they need you and get angry at you when you don’t. These are people who are constantly bringing you down. They’re cutting your wings and lowering your self-esteem. They are only holding you back from living your best life.

There are 3 key elements of removing toxic people & habits:

These elements will help you understand the importance and how to remove people and habits that are harming you and motivate you to put the effort into doing so.

1) Cold turkey or tapering:
There’s no one right blanket answer, and if someone tries to sell you on one, walk away. You have to do what’s right for you. There are some things in my life I removed in one move, and some step by step. You need to examine each case to itself, understand it and do it however feels most natural for you.

2) Don’t wait for the perfect time:
The easiest, simplest way to start is to just do it. There will never be a perfect time, and if you wait for it; you’ll wait forever. The more you procrastinate, the harder it will get. Even if you decide to take it one step at a time, the first step should be done as soon as you can, without excuses or waiting.

3) Focus on what you can do right now:
Focus on one step at a time, without looking too far ahead, to not overwhelm yourself. And focus on the actionable steps you can do right now, the things you know you can do and will help you.

4 Ways to Remove Toxic People & habits:

One of the main, biggest things that holds you back, especially in your singlehood, is holding onto toxicity. You hold on, cause you’re scared of being left with nothing, you’d rather that than being all alone. When this is exactly what’s preventing you from finding better things and people, and being happy in your life and with yourself.

13) Block out haters & doubters:
It’s never rude to walk away from someone harmful or hurtful towards you. Or block them on whatever platform you need. Delete their number. You need to stop listening to stigmas and misconceptions about being single because they couldn’t be further from the truth and reality. They’re also what’s holding you back from believing any differently.

14) Stay away from them & their toxicity:
Sadly, it’s single people who need to work so hard to get rid of this toxicity, and do all of the effort and stay away from people. But some people are so dead set on their ways and beliefs, and just won’t budge. So it’s just best to suck it up and keep your distance from such people. Try to reduce, slowly & steadily, the time you spend with these people and habits.

15) Just say no:
No is a full sentence, and you should never feel uncomfortable saying it. When you get comfortable standing up for yourself and refusing to do things you don’t want or like, things that make you feel bad, you’ll be less prone to entertain toxic people or habits.

16) Focus on better people & healthier habits:
When you stop wasting your time & energy on toxic people and habits, you’ll automatically make time for better ones. And when you fill your life with better people and habits, it will motivate you to get rid of those who aren’t good for you. Nor will you have time for them anymore (or want them), as you’ll be too busy focusing on better things.

Pillar 5 – Take advantage of your single-period

Just like every other status, being single can downright suck and be very hard. It’s even scary, especially when you’re already over 30, and the pressure intensifies. But it can also be a wonderful opportunity, so if you’re already single, why not take advantage of it for as long as it lasts? You have so many opportunities that you wouldn’t have had otherwise, so why not squeeze out of it everything you can? Many people don’t get to be single at this stage of their life and miss out on some great many things. This is your status quo, you don’t know how long it will last or if and when you’ll find someone. So what are you gonna do, waste it away by wallowing or find the joy in it by using it to your advantage?

There are 3 key elements of taking advantage of singlehood:

These elements will help you find the best ways for you to take advantage of your single period, and understand what you need to do to make the most of it.

1) Focus on what you DO have:
This will help you shift your mindset, and see the abundance in your life, instead of just what you’re lacking. It will enhance your attributes and things that you already possess but just overlooked.

2) Find the opportunities you wouldn’t have had otherwise:
Hone into all the things you can do and have thanks to you being single. Amazing things you would’ve never experienced and missed out on, if you weren’t single at this time of your life.

3) Don’t wait around for others:
If you keep waiting for someone to do it with you, you may miss out. Live your life and don’t constantly depend on others; this will make you stronger, more independent and resilient.

4 Ways to take advantage of singlehood:

Your singlehood isn’t just a waiting room for your next relationship, and you shouldn’t waste all of it on trying to find someone. I want you to create a fulfilling life for yourself, one that will help you depend less on others and especially just one type of relationship. So when you look back one day at this period, it will be a good memory and you’ll be thankful for it.

17) To develop & maintain all of the above:
This is the perfect time to create your strong foundations. When you take advantage of your singlehood to find your passion, spend quality alone time, self-care and remove toxins from your life, it will be much easier to continue and maintain it when you’re in a relationship. You’ll better hold on to your individuality and independence while developing a healthy relationship.

18) Utilities the freedom & space:
You have all of the space to make it your own, and discover who you are and what you like. You can use up all of your space, physical and metaphorical, to fill & utilise as you see fit. Use your freedom to explore, do trial & error, and find the things you love and enjoy with much less restrictions.

19) Build a strong support system:
When you’re in a relationship, you spend most of your time on that one person. But when you’re single, you have all that time to invest in others and strengthen more than just one bond.

20) Focus on the perks & benefits:
When you focus on all the fruits you can reap from singlehood, you notice them more, and can much more easily take advantage of them. It also enhances just how much there is to love and enjoy, and all of the many advantages there are to being single.

Happiness is part of your journey, not the destination:

We tend to forget that happiness is a feeling. It’s an emotion that comes and goes just like every other feeling and emotion we have. We need to remind ourselves of this, and that when it leaves us, it’s only momentarily. It will come back as long as we focus on what brings it back into our lives. Happiness is not something I can teach you, nor is it something you can find in one blog post. However, it is something I can help you with, and guide you towards. But unfortunately, if you’re not proactive and work towards changing something in your life, then you won’t be able to find the happiness you seek. No matter how much I preach about it, and how much of it you consume.