Emotions that Arise While Being Single

In this blog post, I share with you the 3 types of emotions, and 9 difficult emotions that arise while being single, and how to cope with them.

I would like to preface this by saying that there are so many positive aspects and feelings that can arise from being single and in your singlehood. This is something that I focus on a lot in my blogs and my content. Because I truly believe that you need to focus on the positive aspects of it. However, the negative, difficult feelings that arise also deserve a place, and shouldn’t be avoided. Especially if you want to really be happy and enjoy your singlehood, and make the most of it. Focusing on the positives is key but also shouldn’t be an excuse to allow yourself to avoid facing negative feelings. Just focusing on the good side and the good feelings of being single is an unhealthy way of coping, or rather not coping, with the negatives.

In the blog post I will share with you the top three types of emotions you’ll likely experience in your singlehood: Nine (3 each) most common emotions, and how to cope with each one. You probably don’t want to face them because you’re either scared, don’t know how or just don’t want to put in the effort. Sometimes, in the short-term at least, it’s easier to just put up with it and let it be a constant part of us. But in the long run… This is just causing you to not only suffer in your singlehood but also lower the quality of your life. It’s normal to have these emotions. They’re there for a reason, and avoiding them is only gonna make it worse. When you do face them, you’ll see they’re not that bad or scary. And even if they are, it’s worth it.

Self-worth emotions

Your worth is often tied to your relationship status – When you’re in a relationship, even if it’s a toxic one, you feel good enough, like you belong. When you’re single, however, you feel like you’re unworthy of love because you don’t have it. This lack of love leads to a generally negative overall opinion of yourself; You judge yourself harshly & more often. Focus more on your mistakes & amplify them, and overlook your positive attributes. The more you do this, the lower your self-worth will be. And it will be harder for you to believe you’re worthy of love and affection. Which will inevitably result in you tying your worth even more to your status. Then, the longer you’re single, the lower your self-worth will sink. Which will only make it harder for you to find love.

Why is your self-worth so important though?
Because it’s the base of your being; the way you think & feel about yourself, how you behave, your actions & choices. It impacts not only your value as a human but also how you and others value you.

1. UNLOVABLE – “Why am I such a difficult person to love? Why does no one love me?”

In the ‘dating phase’ of my singlehood (in the early years)… I would often find myself wondering something along the lines of: “Why do I feel unloved so easily?” – I felt like I was hard to love because it was hard to find a partner. I tied my lovability to being single and my failed dates, which also made me love myself less. You’re alone, and can’t find anyone – so that must mean no one can or will love you, right? WRONG. It just means you haven’t found the right person for you. And you need to stop depending on one person’s love for you. Perhaps your depending so much, is putting too much pressure, thus sabotaging yourself? It’s time to untangle this knot, and separate your status/dates from your lovability level – They have NOTHING to do with one another.

2. UNWORTHY – “Why do I believe I am not worthy of love? Do I not deserve love?”

Due to feeling so unlovable, I slowly started to believe that I was just unworthy of love. I was single because I didn’t deserve it. Eventually, I even stopped dating altogether, not because I wanted to focus on living my life and date myself for a while. But because I just didn’t think anyone would wanna date me. I knew that it was just a matter of time before they realised it and ran away from me. It wasn’t until I started SEEING my own worth that I no longer cared what other’s saw. I realised I just wasn’t BEING the person I knew I could be, the person who’s got the worth.

Perhaps you feel unworthy because you don’t fill your life with things of value. Or aren’t being a person worthy of love – You’re stuck on wallowing and bad habits, you’re not filling your life up with things of value. 

3. FAULTY/FLAWED – “Why do I believe there is something wrong with me?”

I used to look at everyone around me either in a relationship, getting married or having kids… While I was as far away as possible from it. I kept going on all the wrong dates, with all the wrong guys. I didn’t have much else going for me, nor did I even like myself very much. It was kind’ve inevitable for me to end up feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I felt broken because I was so unworthy and unlovable. Which only intensified, because who wants to be with someone so flawed, right? Singles are made to feel incomplete due to their lack of a partner… But I say it’s people in relationships who are usually lacking more. Because they depend on their partner, cause they feel like half a person only completed by another person.

When you’re single, you have the golden opportunity to become a whole person on your own, who doesn’t need someone else to feel like they’re not faulty.

Ways to cope with self-worth emotions:

• Ask yourself hard questions, and be honest with yourself:
  Maybe there’s something you’re doing or a behaviour that’s holding you back from finding love. This isn’t to say something is wrong with you… Just that you need to examine your own words and actions – Which is something you always should do.
• Perhaps you’re dating all the wrong people?
  And you’re probably giving them too much power over you and your feelings. Don’t let them be the ‘pickers’, don’t wait around for them to decide, and don’t be the one who’s always passive. Also, don’t be willing to just go out with anyone – not everyone should be able to ‘afford’ to date you.
• Put & love yourself first:
  No, you don’t need to love yourself to be loved, but it will strain your relationships/dates. You’re either depending on them to do it for you… Or won’t be able to accept it, cause you don’t even love yourself. Also, when you love yourself and prioritise your own wants and needs (and give them to yourself), it doesn’t matter how many people don’t love you – cause YOU know your worth. 
• Treat yourself better:
  You accept what you believe you’re worth. If you don’t respect yourself, neither will anyone else. You need to lead by example. Be the showcase for others on how you’re willing to be treated. If you don’t believe you’re worthy, or can’t see your value, how will anyone else?
• Be a ‘valuable’ person:
  You have SO MUCH in you already. But maybe you’re not taking advantage of it or reaching your full potential cause you’re too focused on what you’re lacking. Would you wanna date someone who has nothing going for them? Or are constantly negative & bringing yourself down? Add substance and value to your life, try to decrease your negative habits, and increase positive ones. BUT, not so they will see your worth, so YOU will. Theirs will follow.

Moody emotions

When everyone but you seems to be finding love and “settling down”, it’s hard not to be in a bad mood, or feel like you’re emotionally unstable. One minute you’re happy and doing your thing, the next you feel like everything is just too much, and all you wanna do is break something. And you’re not even sure why. Every time you think of your status, it makes you feel an array of negative emotions. You don’t wanna be single, you see it as something bad that makes you less worthy, so you get all moody whenever it’s mentioned or even alluded to. Your single status dictates how you feel, and your mood is always sh*tty because of your singleness.

This constant correlation needs to stop, not only because it’s making you hate your singlehood (thus even more worthless)… But also because it’s preventing you from seeing how good it can be. And from feeling all of the positive emotions that can arise from being single. Also, you shouldn’t have to live your life feeling so bad all the time.

Why is your mood so important though?
Because it’s not only holding your singlehood back from being amazing, it’s also impacting the vibes you’re emanating. You’re likely either pushing people away with your moods or keeping them away from you. You’re an overall moody person when you can be the good vibes person instead. 

4. SADNESS – “Is it okay to feel sad about being single? Is it normal to cry over being single?”

I bet you’ve at least once looked at someone eating at a restaurant alone, or just doing something by themselves and thought: “Oh, poor thing, how sad”. Right? I used to believe that being alone was sad, every time I thought of my status I was sad. When I saw everyone around me in relationships, I was sad. Every step of my singlehood was tainted by sadness; I was at a disadvantage cause I was single. I was grieving for the relationship I lacked, because I felt like I’d be alone forever. Instead of focusing on what I had to gain from my status, I focused on all the loss. There was constant despair; I had lost hope of ever finding someone or being happy. I just felt like a walking disappointment, letting myself and everyone around me down.

You’re probably also distressed by your status, because you see being single, as I did, as inherently sad. 

5. ANGER – “Is it normal to be angry about being single? How to stop being bitter about being single?”

When all of the emotions became too much to bear (cause I was in denial), I ended up exploding. At first, I was constantly angry; At myself for being so unworthy and moody. At the people around me for being happy and in relationships. Society for making singles inferior. And at life, for being so unfair. Anger is often born from your sadness; You’re so sick of constantly being sad, so you become angry at your sad mood. And you’re also angry at your status for making you so sad. Then you become angry at the world for being so biased, for being so unkind to singles and making you feel so sh*tty about it.

You feel like everyone and the world is purposefully hurting you and making you feel so bad, and life is always out to get you. This only creates an environment of active hostility between you, your life and the people in it. 

6. FEAR & ANXIETY – “Why am I afraid of being single? Why do I feel anxious when I’m single?”

All of these difficult emotions made me fear my singleness because it was the big, bad and evil villain in my story. I was scared of being alone and how it was making me feel. What it was making me do and become. Being stuck in it forever, and never finding love. Living in this constant fear was only making me anxious; My mind was always at unease, and constantly analysing and overthinking EVERYTHING. There was this brooding fear of a future I predicted for myself, or the possibility of being the old single cat lady – which was becoming more and more probable, but I couldn’t predict with certainty. And the uncertainty (of my status and future, if I’ll ever find someone) was only making me feel even more anxious.

If you feel the same in your singlehood, you’re probably always worried and/or nervous about every single negative possibility. Which is only holding you back from all of the AMAZING opportunities singledom beholds.

Ways to cope with moody emotions:

• Accept them:
  Just like you wanna accept yourself, you also need to accept your emotions. They’re just an inseparable part of being human, and they will come and go. That’s okay and normal. Just like you would love your child or pet when they misbehave. Be kind and keep loving yourself through it. There’s no need to make a big deal out of it. Allow yourself to feel them, but don’t let them drown you. This helps you be in control of them, rather than letting them control you.
• Find small, simple ways to cope😐
  You probably also tend to overcomplicate things, and thus also seek overcomplicated solutions. It’s actually not as complex as you think to cope with these moods. It’s likely even under your nose; breathing exercises, working out regularly, daily walks, dancing, journaling, etc.
• Understand your moods:
  Instead of avoiding them, take the time to really examine your feelings and trace them back to the root cause. Just like getting to know someone and understanding how they tick – start “talking” to your emotions. When you know them well, you know how to cope better and what’s causing them.
• Use these moods as motivators:
  What better way to not feel like you’ve wasted precious time with these emotions, than making lemonade outta lemons? Take what it is you’re feeling, and use it as fuel to do and be better. Don’t shove it down, keep it at eye level where you can see it and be reminded why you’re fighting for a better lifestyle.
• Fill your life with things worth living for:
  If your status and your life are making you moody, it’s often because you feel like it’s lacking. Or you only have things that make you feel bad. Instead, start focusing on things that make you feel good and bring joy into your life. Do things you love and enjoy, and spend time developing and maintaining hobbies, skills, passions, experiences, vibes, etc.

Social emotions

A huge chunk of your personality, quirks and characteristics are shaped by society in general, and your social circle specifically. So it’s no wonder that so much of your feelings are dependent on them, and are impacted by them.

When I was freshly singled, I automatically felt like I went down a level. Suddenly I was worth less, and couldn’t stop emphasising what I lacked and what others in my life had. And I was constantly comparing them. Which, yes, is often due to how society makes you feel, but you’re just as responsible. You stick this label on yourself and decide how others see you or make yourself inferior. Or just let it get to you way too much, instead of just making the most of it. Then you use society as an excuse to not fight this, to let it suck you in and spit you out even worse off. So you just end up being even more miserable, and less social or desired by your circle of friends and yourself.

Why is your sociality so important though?
Because you see yourself through your loved one’s eyes, and you’re partially defined by who you surround yourself with. Your social network has a direct impact on you and how you feel about your status. If you’re either letting people in that bring you down for your status, or constantly putting your status as a barrier between you and your people – you’ll always feel sub-par.

7. JEALOUSY/ENVY – “Why am I jealous and insecure about being single? Why am I so envious of my friends in relationships?”

Just like with any other “flaw” in you, your singlehood makes you feel inadequate, which causes a lack of confidence. As a result, you can’t stop comparing it to others around you; you hone in on what they do have and either emphasise how lucky they are, and how good they have or glorify it. Or you nitpick at every flaw in it, and how it’s not as glamorous as it seems. You may even critique every person in your life for having what you don’t, or just to make yourself feel better.

I used to constantly look at my sisters’ relationships and resent them for it, and constantly wonder why I’m the single one. I was jealous of every attribute and trait they had because I believed it made them better and was the reason why they weren’t single. Instead of seeing what I had, I would begrudge my friends and family for what they had and covet it. 

8. SHAME/EMBARRASSMENT – “Is it shameful to be single? Is being single embarrassing?”

When you over-glorify one relationship status over the other, which you condemn over the glorified one, it’s near impossible for you to ever see your singlehood as a good thing. In fact, it’s probably making you feel like something you should hide as much as you can, and avoid talking about it because it’s disgraceful. Not to mention the prejudice in society towards singles, so of course you’ll be embarrassed any time anyone says, “Oh, Michal is still single”. Or to answer the dreaded question: “So, are you seeing anyone?” You’re overly aware of your single status and are hyper-self-conscious about it. You feel powerless against its force in the world, and the way people see it. It becomes an awkward issue in your life, the constant elephant in every room you enter, because you see it as something to be ashamed of. As something that makes you worthless. 

9. WITHDRAWN – “What causes a person to become withdrawn? Why do I feel less social?”

So, instead of taking advantage of my singlehood to focus on the people and love I did have in my life, or maintain it… I took a step back and put as much distance as I could because they were just sore reminders of what I lacked. I couldn’t face the disappointment I attributed to it, and automatically assumed that’s how people would look at me. On the flip side, a lot of people also withdrew from my life, including people I dated… Because I was too clingy, desperate and just a Debbie-downer. It’s much harder to keep people in your life when you don’t even wanna be in your own life. When all you do is sulk about your status and drown in self-pity, while also expecting others to pity you.

Instead of thriving in your solitude, while also strengthening other relationships, you drown in your isolation. Then, you inevitably feel lonely in your singleness, so you just equate it to being single. 

Ways to cope with social emotions:

• Stop comparing:
  You’re probably comparing your inner emotions to others’ outer-image, while also disregarding their journey to where they are today. You don’t see all the hard work, just the results. So instead of comparing yourself to their best self, start being your best self. Use that energy and time to focus on what you have, on what you can be and getting there.
• Use it as inspiration:
  That said, it’s okay to look at what others have and aspire to have something similar in your life. In fact, you should have role models or good examples to lead you. This should motivate you to do, be and find better. You’re acknowledging the hard work they put in, and taking action yourself instead of complaining.
• Find the points of pride:
  If it’s hard for you to be proud of being single, it’s because you don’t think there’s anything to be proud of. But there is, and you just need to find them and hold onto them, amplify them as much as you can. This will help you diminish your shame, while also refusing to let others make you feel embarrassed about your status. Hold your head up high, and walk around like you own the place.
• Be your own cheerleader:
  Instead of being your own worst enemy and constantly critiquing yourself, it’s time to start being your biggest fan. Celebrate every single win and achievement, no matter how small. Compliment your qualities and the things you do well. Smile at yourself in the mirror and encourage yourself. 
• Be a cheerleader to others:
  Don’t focus on resenting your loved ones for what they have – celebrate it with them, and help them feel good about it. Try to be happy for them as much as you can, and show them that your status doesn’t have to put distance between you.
• Be selective with your people:
  Often we feel a certain way because that’s how someone else is making us feel. Or because we value their opinion way too much. It’s time to filter the people in your life and keep only the ones who either help you be better and/or don’t bring you down for who you are.

In conclusion – It’s time to shift your mindset and take charge

Often, when you have low self-worth, it has a direct impact on your feelings and overall mood. You’re creating a vicious cycle without even realising it, and by avoiding it, it’s only getting worse and harder to undo. You feel unworthy cause you’re single, which only keeps you single for longer, so you feel even more unworthy, and then you become moody with constant negative emotions, which only makes you feel even more unworthy – cause who wants to be with someone so moody? So inevitably, you don’t believe you’re worthy of being with your loved ones or are too moody to be around happy people, and then they either think you don’t want to be with them or don’t wanna be with you cause you’re always so moody – which, you guessed it, makes you feel even more worthless.

I bet all of this is just making you feel stressed, and now you also need to struggle with reducing your stress. So, don’t you think it’s time to cut off this never-ending cycle and untether your status from these emotions? 

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Stay safe, stay healthy and stay strong!
Michal B.L.

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