Why Embracing Singlehood Is the First Step to a Healthy Relationship

These are the top 12 ways and reasons why embracing singlehood is the first step to developing a healthy romantic relationship

While it didn’t come easily or fast, my singlehood was the best thing that happened to me. It turned out to be filled with perks I could never imagine before. But one of the biggest benefits of being single was how it prepared me for a healthy relationship. Almost three years ago, I started the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – after 7 years of being single. Yes, I’ve dated and even had some that lasted 2-3 months. But this was my first serious relationship in a very long time. And it was, and still is, different on every single possible level. Being in our 30s and more mature certainly contributes to it. But I believe that the main component is having done a lot of personal work and growth – or in other words, embracing singlehood for a healthy relationship.

Introduction: Does being single help your future relationship

Both Ze’ev and I took time to be alone and develop as individuals first. At first, it was thrust upon me, and I didn’t want it. But later I learned how to choose it, make it deliberate. Today, we talk a lot about how our relationship wouldn’t have lasted and would’ve been toxic, had we met earlier. I see and hear about the arguments that my friends have with their partners (having not taken time in singlehood and to work on themselves), and I get exhausted from just listening. Once upon a time, I would’ve also put up with it, excusing it as “just a part of being in a relationship”.

But Ze’ev and I don’t have them, and in the following 12 methods, you’ll see exactly why. And how embracing singlehood is the first step to a healthy relationship.

Being true to yourself: being whole before dating

In the world of dating and relationships, it’s easy to lose sight of who you truly are in an attempt to please or impress others. However, the first, most important step for a healthy relationship – is embracing singlehood. If you want a solid bond with a romantic partner, you need to start by developing a self-relationship. One that’s strong, grounded and serves as a stable base. Which is much harder to build once you’re already in an all-consuming relationship.

Being true to yourself means learning to be happy alone and content with yourself, not just avoiding. Understanding your values, desires, and boundaries – so that you show up as you, and not who they may want you to be. When you embrace your individuality and authenticity, you become more attractive to potential partners who align with your true self. This forms a solid foundation for a healthy romantic relationship because it’s built on honesty and genuine connection, not on pretending to be someone you’re not.

1) Refuse to wear masks

You’re no longer hiding. You stop conforming and tweaking yourself to be chosen and liked. Or to be someone that someone else needs you to be. This is something that comes both with maturity (another reason why I love my 30s, and especially being single in your 30s). And with singlehood, because you learn to just embrace yourself and who you are. You become so comfortable being true to yourself, you can no longer be bothered to even attempt trying to be something you’re not. 

Being you becomes your comfort zone. Which is probably the only time you should be okay with being cosy and stagnant in your comfort zone. You refuse to waste your time or energy on pretending. With the right person, and people in general, you won’t need or want to wear masks. In the right relationship for you, you won’t need to hide who you really are, or act like someone you’re not. And when you’re good with yourself and your life, you won’t mind waiting till they find you. 

2) Don’t filter or tame yourself

No, I don’t mean you should start speaking everything on your mind all the time. Nor should you be overly honest with everyone. Sometimes the best thing you can do, it shut up and walk away. For you, not them. Not everyone deserves your honesty. But you should always be honest with yourself. It’s the first step to recognising when you’re not being honest around someone else. When you’re suppressing yourself for them. And learning to be happy alone means you won’t be happy with someone else if you’re being fake or toned down.

When you’re with someone, you shouldn’t constantly have to consider your words carefully or worry about saying the wrong thing, in the wrong way. Yes, you should be considerate and calculated, and you shouldn’t aim to lash out at them. But you also shouldn’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind or express yourself in a way that’s authentically you. If they make you feel like you have to tame yourself or your words to be accepted and loved by them, then they’re not worthy of you. 

3) Stop accepting someone who doesn’t accept you

Singlehood provides you with the time you need to learn the beautiful art of walking away. And to be okay to walk away. People start taking you for granted when you’re willing to put up with anything. When you stay even though you shouldn’t. And you do this because you’re more afraid of being on your own. When you get passed this initial fear, you discover a world of opportunities, of self-empowerment. You learn to accept yourself and refuse to allow just anyone who doesn’t in (romantic and platonic alike). 

If someone can’t accept you for you, it’s either their problem or just the wrong fit for both of you. Stop wasting your time on such people, and you’ll make space not only for self-acceptance… But also for people who do and will accept you. As someone who’s found a partner who matches my weird, believe me, there’s nothing better. You want a relationship that celebrates your quirks. A partner who sees it as cute and is turned on by it. Not as a turn off or an ick.

4) You attract better people

You radiate exactly what you’re willing to receive. Which is why you often attract all of the wrong people. You’d rather them, anyone you can get, than no one at all. Than being alone. Yet, you’re more miserable than you could ever be while being on your own (even when you don’t make something of it). But you don’t know that, because you’re not willing to find it out. So you keep attracting more and more misery, until you’re just stuck in this never-ending cycle. And now you believe that it’s all that’s out there, or all you deserve.

The best way to put an end to it is by simply pausing (because it clearly ain’t working). Take a break from allowing people in and going for anyone you can get. Refuse to say yes, when you should say no, thanks. Instead, focus on yourself and invest that energy in shifting your mindset. Create your world, one that’s true to you and fulfilling. When you’re living your best life in your singlehood… You radiate confidence, positivity and that you’re not willing to put up with blush*it. So you don’t attract it anymore. And instead, start developing a magnetic pull to people who do deserve us. 

Maintaining the drama-free mentality: personal growth before a relationship

When you’ve meticulously curated a healthy relationship with yourself, you’re less likely to engage in unnecessary drama or emotional turmoil in your romantic relationships. One of the main reasons it was so hard for me to let go of singlehood… Was because I no longer had the energy to put up with the scenes and fights that came with it. But with Ze’ev, I learned that embracing singlehood for a healthy relationship means I could bring this mindset with me into the relationship. And that it didn’t have to be like it used to, in my 20s.

Investing in personal growth before a relationship means you’re better equipped to leave the melodrama in your 20s. When you’ve learned to manage your emotions, communicate openly, and keep a calm demeanour, you bring balance. This translates into a more peaceful and fulfilling romantic connection. One that doesn’t thrive on theatrics. You handle conflicts maturely and resolve them with grace and respect. You prioritise solutions over winning the argument or being right. This newfound emotional stability contributes to the creation of a healthier and more harmonious partnership. Where both you and your partner can thrive and grow together. 

5) Remaining peaceful & calm…

…and not accepting anyone who disrupts this or tries to play games with you. Singlehood is so serene because there’s no one to push your buttons or test your limits. One of the things I loved most about it was the lack of petty arguments and stupid fights. So I had a wonderful opportunity to embrace the tranquil mindset, while letting go of the part of me that thrived on the action of the chase, games and melodrama. 

Doing so made me unable to let go of this mentality, and I insisted on bringing it with me into my new relationship. Which made it not only so much calmer and peaceful, but also way healthier. Ze’ev and I don’t try to play games with each other. Nor do we seek out petty arguments, just to spice things up. We remain calm when something stirs, and try to be amicable within it. Both of us hate the drama so much that we invest our energy instead in avoiding it. Not blowing things out of proportion. Not making a big deal out of everything.

6) Loving with chill vibes

Contrary to what Hollywood and fairytales want you to believe, love isn’t all about fireworks. It shouldn’t be super intense or overly dramatic. It’s not about “love at first sight” or being consumed by your passion. Nor should it be a constant uphill battle or “fighting” with all your might for your love. It takes effort, not constant hard work, melodrama and arguing. With Ze’ev, I didn’t feel an instant explosion of emotions like I did in previous relationships. And only because I learned to embrace the stillness in singlehood, did I understand this is right for me.

Only accept a relationship if it doesn’t disrupt your peace and tranquillity. And certainly don’t accept one that only creates chaos. Integrate your drama-free vibes from your singlehood into your feelings and in your relationship. This means your love for each other should be stable and mellow, not all over the place. It shouldn’t peak at its start or begin at step 100. It should gradually grow from step one. And when you take the time for yourself to let go of what love “should be”… You have better capacity for creating the real love that you need.

7) Reacting, not overreacting

With this serene vibe I adopted during singlehood… I learned how to regulate my emotions better. And manage my reactions more productively and efficiently. In ways that help improve the situation, and learn from it, instead of deteriorating it. I now pick my battles very carefully. This doesn’t mean I’m suppressing what I’m feeling or ‘just getting over it’ for the sake of keeping the peace. This means I’m not picking fights, and not creating friction when you can resolve calmly. 

For the most part, overreacting or trying to “fight” your partner will only make it worse. As I said, I no longer strive to “be right” or “win” the fight; I strive to prevent and settle it the best way for our relationship. To find a solution that’s good for both, so we “win” together. I now try to solve, understand and learn by reacting coolly and asking the right questions. Not just trying to prove my point or turn it on them. Reacting in this manner creates a safer, more open space to share without fear. No matter who is in the wrong. And you create room for growth and open, healthy communication.

8) Boring is bliss

Despite the stigma, singlehood isn’t for sleeping around and only experimenting with different people and beds. (And if that’s all it’s about for you, of course, you’ll end up lonely and with all the wrong people). It’s the time to get to know yourself better and just be alone for a while. Get comfortable with you, and being yourself. It’s the time to stop chasing constant movement. Find the “action” elsewhere. You learn to thrive without constantly seeking out mindblowing stimulations. Especially as you mature and enter your 30s. You understand that this race is exactly what’s making you unhappy. 

This also helps you create a healthy mindset towards dating and relationships. Thanks to it, you learn how to enjoy the small, simple things together in your new relationship. And choosing not to create drama just to spice things up. You find better, more mellow ways to do so that don’t require seeking confrontation. It creates stability. You’re not constantly worried about when one of you will blow up and walk out. Instead of picking fights and seeking out the action, Ze’ev and I thrive on the “boring” and make space for much better things. For open, fruitful communication, for deep, insightful discussions. For just being content and present in each other’s company. And fully trusting one another and your relationship.

Refuse to lose yourself in them: being whole before dating

When you’ve embraced singlehood and nurtured a healthy self-relationship, you understand the importance of maintaining your individuality within a romantic relationship. When you know your worth and have a strong sense of self, you won’t lose your identity in your partner. Nor will you be consumed by them and their life, certainly not uncontrollably. Instead of becoming overly dependent on your partner for happiness and validation, you retain your own passions, interests, and goals. While also encouraging them (and each other) to do the same. 

Embracing singlehood for a healthy relationship means you already know who you are and what you want. So it’s much harder to lose a sense of it. Much easier to keep track of yourself. And you’re no longer looking for someone to just complete you. So your whole life doesn’t revolve around them and your relationship. This not only prevents putting too much pressure, and releases unnecessary tension… But it also makes you more attractive and interesting. It ensures that you bring your best self to the relationship, without making it your whole world. Which fosters a deeper and more fulfilling connection with your partner.

9) You grow together & as individuals

In a romantic relationship, two people should be able to continue to develop as individuals while growing together as a unit. It’s not about merging your worlds into one, but about merging parts of your world. While retaining other parts to yourselves. This is made so much easier and smoother if you enter said relationship when you already have a life of your own. Take advantage of your singlehood to create a world for yourself, with a variety of content and substance. If you’re single in your 30s, it may seem like bad luck, while finding love in your 20s is “lucky”. When actually, you’re the lucky one who’s less likely to lose your identity and be defined by your relationship status. 

These benefits of being single in your 30s help you continue to centre yourself in your own world. Continue to fill yourself up with more things other than your romantic relationship. And don’t change your whole world or tone yourself down, just to fit them in. Neither of you should flip or rotate your whole lives around just to make it work. Even in your relationship, you each have your own life, and don’t give it all up just for them. This is exactly what will make you stronger individuals, and thus – stronger partners, in a stronger relationship.

10) They’re not your main source of happiness…

You are! They are just another, extra source. A backup, if you will. Since I’m with Ze’ev, people keep telling me they’re glad to see me happy. As if I wasn’t before. I know they mean well, but it’s that kind of mentality that’s the issue. That makes you believe you can’t possibly be happy single. I wasn’t unhappy before, nor am I happier now. It’s just a different kind of joy. A relationship shouldn’t and won’t make you happier than in your singlehood. And if it does, that kind of happiness fades fast. Your happiness should be sourced and begin within you. In how you live your life, and fill it up. When you’re embracing singlehood for a healthy relationship, they’re just an added bonus.

You also shouldn’t lose yourself, and disregard your own happiness in just trying to be their main source of happiness. A relationship will crumble under the pressure if one or both of you depend on it too much for happiness, strength, a sense of purpose or entertainment. Your happiness should continue to come from yourself and the world you created. Even when you’re in a relationship. Because no matter how much you want to believe it… If you’re not happy alone, you won’t truly be happy with anyone if you’re depending on them to be your main source of happiness. 

11) Won’t give up your alone time

One of the most fundamental steps of developing a self-relationship, especially if you want a healthy one with others, is learning how to spend quality time with yourself. And when you take time to do so in your singlehood, you won’t neglect it when you’re in a relationship. Neither one of you should stop investing in their hobbies, passions and the things you enjoy doing alone. If you’ve done the work in your singlehood, you know the importance and value of your time alone. You love spending time in your own company. So there’s less of a chance you’d give it up. And more of a chance you’ll continue to nurture it once you’re in a relationship.

You need to spend mindful and purposeful time apart from each other as well. First, to continue your personal development and maintain your self-relationship. Second, to take “breaks” from each other, so things don’t get too intense and lead to arguments. It also enhances the time you do spend together and makes it that much more special. This creates less strain on your relationship and even strengthens it. Especially when you support each other and how you each spend your alone time. 

12) Accept only the love you deserve…

…And don’t accept anything less than that. No matter how charming they are. Embracing singlehood and investing in personal growth before a relationship helps you create these strong boundaries. Thanks to your strong, healthy self-relationship, you know your worth, and no one gets a ‘free pass’ in your life, or any exceptions. You not only know that a healthy relationships start with self-love… You also invested in falling in love with yourself first. And then demand that same love from others.

When you’re strong on your own, you won’t hesitate to let go of the people who don’t love you properly. And who don’t treat you right. You’ll refuse to settle for anything less than you deserve. These people, who don’t treat you right, only block you from the right people. And when you’re the right person for yourself first, the “other right person” for you will have a better, clearer path to you.

In conclusion – healthy relationships start with self-love

Embracing singlehood for a healthy relationship is about self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-love. All of which pave the way for a more balanced and stable transition to happier, healthier romantic relationships. A healthy self-relationship means you understand your values, prioritise self-care, and maintain your individuality even when deeply connected with someone else. It’s the key to keeping the drama at bay and fostering mature, open communication in your partnerships. 

Ultimately, working on yourself is not a selfish act; it’s a gift you give both to yourself and to your future romantic relationships. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself, and when it thrives, so will your love life. So, embrace your singlehood, nurture your self-relationship, and watch as it becomes the solid foundation upon which you build a healthy, fulfilling romantic relationship

Stay safe, stay healthy and stay strong!
Michal B.L.

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