How to build your self confidence when you’re single, with these top ten methods.
For many years during my childhood and teen-hood I suffered from a very low self esteem. Which impacted my life in many ways. I was shy and scared to talk to people, and barely had any friends. When I did decide to open my mouth it was with great difficulty and fear. Then, it ended up being tactless or made me feel stupid, or both. It was a cocktail of different methods that helped me overcome my confidence issues, and a lot of time and patience. And of course, perseverance – because the only way is to push through the hard times, and not give up. There are no shortcuts or cheat sheets, you just need to keep showing up every single day and putting in the hard work.
Building confidence and self esteem, is a constant, continuous progress, that we need to keep working on. Throughout the past few years of my singlehood I had so many more opportunities to work on myself and my confidence. Singlehood also taught me a lot about the whole process, and myself. So if you’re single, and you’re struggling with self esteem and confidence issues… This is a great time to focus on you and start that process of growing your confidence.
1. Fake it ‘till you make it
This is one of the greatest cliches in the book, but it is so for good reason. Because it’s true and it actually works. Now, it’s important to note that I DO NOT mean that you should fake your feelings or ignore the ones that you are feeling. You need to fake your confidence, your attitude. Try to pretend as much as you can, like you are confident. I used to like pretending like I’m playing a character. Like I was an actress preparing for a role. With time it will become easier, and the confidence will also become more real. So start small, with things like walking with a straight back and head held high. Then slowly build your way up, to speaking with confidence, even when you don’t exactly feel it.
2. Repetition is key
This first begins with understanding that it’s not an overnight success. The process of building your self confidence takes time and practice. And you need to be patient and not rush it, or give up in frustration. Make it a habit to incorporate small things you can do every day to help you build your self confidence. The more you do it, the better and easier it gets. The key to success in building your self confidence is staying consistent and persistent. Be patient with yourself and the process, and understand that it will take time and that’s okay. Create small, daily rituals and habits that will slowly become an inseparable part of your life. Like saying thank you to the bus driver of every bus you take. It may seem silly and small, but you’d be surprised with how far you can go with such small acts. Not to mention, you’ll be making some bus drivers very happy. But it has to be every single day, not every so often, or when you remember. Which is why it’s important to keep reminding yourself.
I’ve spoken about affirmations before, and I send some out every week in my newsletter. I’m a strong believer in the law of attraction. Positive thoughts bring positive results into a person’s life. What we send out to the world, the vibes we exude, will also be returned to us. Just like with driving – the car goes where our eyes look – we need to think and say where we want to go and be. Affirmations are great not only to help you remove negative thoughts. But also replace them with better, more positive ones. It’s not only repeating mindlessly, it’s actually saying them with confidence and listening to what you’re saying.
4. Improv workshop
When I was in 11th and 12th grade I was in a theater course of study in school. It was surprising also to me, because I was very shy and insecure. I never made a conscious decision to actually do it to help me build self confidence. It started from me just loving theater and acting. Perhaps the acting was a form of escape from my own troubles (but that’s a tale for another day). All my fears went away when I was on a stage, and it was liberating. Somewhere along the line it really helped me build my self confidence. Not only being on stage, or interacting with other teens I didn’t know. (Because the theater group was in a different school). But also because you’re taken out of your comfort zone, forced to do silly things, be brave.
5. Walk with your head held high
The way you hold yourself and your body, says a lot about you and manifests to your surroundings. They say that holding the “The Wonder Woman” pose for two minutes a day helps you feel more powerful and confident. When you tweak small things like your posture, you’re already making huge changes. Try just straightening your back and holding your head up, that will already do wonders even if you don’t feel it at first. You will with time. I also believe that the way you walk has a huge impact. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I have my motto… “Always walk like you’re walking on a catwalk – even if you’re walking down to the local store in your pajamas”. It may be silly and strange, but it works, and it can help you feel so goddamn good about yourself.
6. Speak to strangers
Yes, this one can be a bit awkward, but part of being insecure is not being able to talk properly with people. And so when you practice with strangers that you don’t know, and will probably never see again, it’s easier. Now, I don’t mean walk up to people in the streets and just randomly start talking to them. I mean create light conversation with store clerks in shops you go to, or with the waitress at the restaurant you’re sitting at. People you already have interactions with. And while it may seem silly and stupid at first, asking about a menu with confidence – a loud and clear voice… Can do wonders for your everyday speech.
7. Wear it
This may seem superficial at first, but at the end of the day, it works. Of course you can’t rely solely on the way you dress, because that will never really make much of a difference. At least not a long lasting, significant one. But when mixed in with the rest of the methods in this list, wearing your confidence can be a great added bonus. Just like with the way you walk and hold your body, also when you’re dressed well, you feel more confident. If you’re neglecting your wardrobe and not putting any thought into the way you look, it will reflect on the way you feel. Personally I believe that wearing nice, even sexy underwear can do wonders to your confidence as well.
8. Workout and take care of your body
Besides the fact that working out is great for your health, and you should be taking care of it and your body anyway… When you workout and upkeep your body to be healthy and strong, you will feel so much better about yourself. Just like with ‘wearing it’, but even deeper, and better… Having a strong healthy body, or just the thought of your hard workouts, will give you the confidence boost you need. You will be so proud of yourself and your body, and it will help you hold yourself so much higher. And no, you don’t need to look like a model, that’s not the point at all. Because looking like a model will never fix your problems. It’s the actual hard work and care for yourself, mixed in with all the other methods together.
9. Remove haters and doubters
This will probably make every single list I create, because I’m a huge believer in cleansing your life. Of people, things, activities and habits that are bad for you and harming you. Especially people who make you chase them, or make you feel less worthy. If you surround yourself only with negative people, or people that bring you down, you’ll never be able to build your self confidence. At least not as good as you could if you just get rid of them… And surround yourself with strong, positive people instead. Just like with the law of attraction, what and who you surround yourself with, is exactly what you will attract, and also will impact the way you feel inside.
10. Be kind, forgiving and understanding
And stop self deprecating. You’re only human, and that means you won’t always be perfect, and that you will make mistakes. And that’s okay. Make a conscious decision to stop reprimanding and punishing yourself. Catch yourself in the moment and try to shift your mindset as best you can. It won’t be easy at first, but like we said above, it gets easier with time and practice. Instead of bringing yourself down even more, try to be more understanding and kind to yourself. Try to be empathetic and learn from what happened, instead of scolding yourself for it. Say it out loud if you need, and don’t care how stupid you may seem. Just look yourself in the eyes and say, “I forgive you.”
Be independent and do things for yourself and on your own.
As I’ve mentioned within the methods, doing each one standalone, will not have much of an effect, if at all. Try to combine and incorporate them all into your daily life and routines. And most importantly, don’t go searching for someone to do it for you. Use your singleness to finally conquer these fears of yours. Being single is a wonderful opportunity to start doing more things on your own. The fact that you have to fend for yourself and have no one else to do it for you, may seem daunting at first. But it’s actually a huge bonus which will not only help you build your self confidence, but also be so much more independent.
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Stay safe, stay healthy and stay strong!
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