Changing the Consensus of Singles

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The top 8 consensuses about singles that need to change – and how to encourage someone who is single instead.

Have you ever wondered “Why do people judge me for being single?”

For the longest time, I feared singleness. Not only because being alone was daunting, but also because of the shame that came along with it. Needing to tell people that I’m single felt embarrassing. When I was asked, I always felt like it was something I should be ashamed about. And when people asked, they always seemed to feel sorry for me. Intentional or not, they made me feel ashamed by asking about my singlehood. Especially in my late 20s, and even more so once I turned 30.

No one should be made to feel this way, yet far too many do. I’ve been writing about single life for a few years now, and far too many people have shared with me that they’ve gone through similar emotions. Mostly due to the stigmas and misconceptions about singles.

Yeah, with time I developed thick skin and learned to just brush it off, or tune it out. But that’s not to say that it makes it okay. Why must singles be open to judgement, or to disclose their reasoning for being single, but people in relationships don’t? The answer to that lies in the hands of consensuses depicted by society.

What Does Changing the Consensus of Singles Mean?

Changing the consensus of singles means actively working to shift the societal perception of being single. It means changing the way you see singleness – both in yourself and in others. But most importantly – changing the prejudice and misconceptions society has towards singles.

This requires moving away from the often negative connotations associated with singlehood. And instead promoting the idea that being single can be a fulfilling and positive life choice. Allowing singles to live their life, encourage them to embrace their status and make them feel good about themselves – NOT WORSE.

To do this, we first need to understand why does society looks down on singles. Why is being single seen as a bad thing around the world?

I’ve compiled a list of 8 consensuses about singles that need to change or just die out, and hopefully, it makes some sort of difference and starts to change people’s outlook.

1) Being single is shameful

Being single helped me grow comfortable in my company, and embrace myself and singlehood. It took time and effort. The road was windy and filled with hurdles. But I made it through. And it was worth it. I came out stronger than ever, knowing that being single is being free and powerful. It’s being whole with yourself and not depending on anyone else. – Not for your happiness and not for support. So why should I be ashamed of what made me the independent and confident person I am today?

Not only is there nothing to be ashamed of, but I also learned to be proud of my singleness. To be proud of everything I overcame and accomplished within it. I learned to use it as a source of empowerment and not embarrassment. And society needs to do the same. We need to stop allowing people to feel the shame. Or even worse – causing it. Because there’s nothing to be ashamed of. At the very least, it’s just another one of many statuses.

2) Being single is less worthy than being in a relationship

No one ever makes you feel bad about being in a relationship. Not as much as they do when you’re single. If they do, it’s because it’s a toxic relationship. But on the flip side, people are much less likely to celebrate you when you’re single and happy. When you’re alone, you feel the need to avoid speaking of it or mumbling it under your breath, when asked. But if you’re in a relationship, it’s something to be proud of. And we announce in excitement “I have a bf or gf”. And yeah, it can be great to be in a relationship. But it’s just as great to be single.

Neither is better than the other. It’s subjective, and you shouldn’t be made to feel better or worse accordingly. Unfortunately, despite the changes made through time, society still depicts being single as “lonely”, “weird” or “unfortunate”. But it’s neither of those. Singleness is what you make of it – just like every relationship status is what you make of it. And no one should feel like a lesser person because they choose to be single. Or have yet to find a worthy significant other.

3) Singleness is synonymous with loneliness

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again many times over – alone isn’t lonely! And yet, it still goes hand in hand with being single. Yeah, I know that many singles do feel lonely. But saying that all singles must be lonely is an unjust generalisation that just isn’t accurate at all. I for one would love for people to stop asking things like “Oh, but don’t you get so lonely and bored?” and “Aren’t you lonely and sad being single?” – If you’re lonely, it’s because you’re isolating yourself. Not because you’re single.

Sure, I too got lonely from time to time when I was single. But certainly not all the time. Not even most of the time. To be honest, my loneliest moments were actually when I was in a relationship. I have so much fun in my own company (which is something most people in relationships can’t do)… That I often enjoy it more than I do others’ company. Sometimes I can’t wait to be alone again. When you embrace yourself and singlehood properly, you develop a good, healthy relationship with yourself. Which is something many people can’t understand because it’s harder to achieve that comfort level with yourself when you’re in a relationship.

4) Singlehood is a misfortune, not a choice

Sure, being single can suck (just like every other status btw). And sure, it’s often not a choice, at least not at first and not for everyone. But it’s not something you should feel sorry for someone about. Nor should you seek it if you’re single (and if you are, then it’s not your status that’s the issue). It’s time to retire those pity looks. The use of an apologetic tone. And saying things like: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear.” Or “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find someone soon enough.”

There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with choosing it. And there’s certainly nothing unfortunate about it. Unless you’re wasting it away by wallowing or feeling sorry for yourself. While some hate it, many others love it. Some enter singlehood by choice, and some stay single by choice. Because often it’s better than being in an exhausting relationship. Because you’re not ready for one and need to work on your self-relationship first. And because you just love the freedom, and life means more to you than just getting married and having kids.

5) If you’re 30+ and still single – there must be something wrong with you

Being single is rough enough alone (even in today’s “progressive” society). But if you also happen to be over 30, then you’re a special kinda weird. And there must be something very wrong with you. Not only in regards to singleness, being over thirty is generally deemed as being old. I would go as far as saying that combining the two, is considered quite pathetic. Although I think that believing so, is what’s pathetic. And making someone feel this way, is even worse.

So if you don’t “find” someone by 30 it must mean you are at fault, and you’re the issue. When really, it’s never that simple. Sure, you have a huge hand in it, but there’s so much more to it. And it certainly doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. If anything, perhaps there are things you can work on – but this is true for everyone. No matter your status.

What people don’t seem to remember (or selectively forget), is that on average, we live most of our lives over the age of 30. So really, it’s not old at all. And even if it were, there’s nothing wrong or pathetic about being single, no matter your age. (Unless you use it as an excuse to feel sorry for yourself, or others to pity you). Changing the consensus of singles requires remembering that relationships are not for everyone. Just like being single is not for everyone. Not everyone is “lucky” enough to find the “right person”. And not everyone thinks that being in a relationship is lucky.

6) Singlehood is a result of failure in relationships

If you’re single, consensus says you must be bad at relationships. That you can’t keep or maintain one. This might be the case sometimes, but it’s not the reason for someone being single. We’ve all failed a relationship at one point or another. Probably more than once. Just like we’ve all made some mistakes. It’s what makes you human. But usually, it’s due to the incompatibility. Two people that are just not meant to be. With no faults to one’s capability to maintain a relationship. If anything, singles stay away from relationships they know will fail, and prefer to thrive alone. While it’s the people who jump into any relationship to avoid singlehood, who end up failing.

One’s singleness is never a direct or complete reflection of them, or of who they are. Breakups are never unambiguous. Relationships end for various reasons, and it doesn’t mean you can be successful in a different one. Usually a mix and match between different problems, and never has just one explicit explanation. Certainly not that one’s a failure and thus is stuck being single. I found that my singleness ended up helping me create the most healthy relationship I’ve ever had. While others I know, who haven’t taken time to be alone… End up in their worst ones.

7) Singleness is an indication of immaturity

Relationship status has nothing to do with maturity level, and everything to do with the personality of a person as a whole. Perhaps in some cases, it might be true, but to generalise and say that one is single due to his maturity level, or that singlehood makes them immature, is just completely off the mark, and unjust. If anything, it makes you even more mature. Because you learn to fend for yourself. Be more independent and confident. Travel alone. You don’t rely on others or your relationship. You’re a strong, empowered person on your own. And don’t care what others think or say.

As a single person, you may feel at times that part of the reason you don’t want to marry and have kids yet… Is due to not feeling ready or prepared. That you’re not yet “ripe” enough to start your own family. But that has nothing to do with why you’re still single or your maturity. (You also likely haven’t met the right person who helps you feel ready). And definitely doesn’t indicate anything about your capabilities in relationships. Changing the consensus of singles means it shouldn’t be regarded in any other way, than what you see it as. Also, being in a relationship is NOT a maturity measurement.

8) Singles are desperate

Whether it’s for dates, a relationship, friends, attention, physical touch – you name it, singles are accused of yearning for it. So much so, that they’ll literally set you up with anyone. Cause, hey, at least you won’t be alone, right? The number of times I have been offered a set up with a second cousin’s nephew; or was wished to find a husband soon, is actually quite ridiculous. Especially since people just assume that it must be what I want above all else. That I cannot possibly be truly happy being single, without a man. I think one of the questions I got asked the most is some variation of: “Don’t you want to settle down?”

Many singles, ones who actually take the time to embrace it, are far less desperate than most couples I’ve seen. They’re free, independent, confident and living their best life with no strings attached or anyone holding them back. To be honest, my singlehood taught me to be more content with myself and what I have. To not just let anyone in and be selective, not desperate enough to be open to everyone. If singles are desperate for anything, it’s for society to leave them alone. It’s hard enough as it is, so why make it worse? And if you’re single and desperate, then it’s not your status that needs to change. It’s what you do with it. Because desperation won’t get you anywhere.

Being single as a whole is frowned upon. So many people are scared of it, and constantly chase relationships. Usually jumping from one straight to another.

Changing the consensus of singles requires maturity and self-awareness. So I can maybe understand it amongst teens. There’s so much peer pressure and young naivety, that it’s almost understandable. But as an adult, I got so many ‘pitty eyes’, crude and sympathy comments, and even frowns. And that is just upsetting because we’re in the 21st century. With the world becoming so modern, you’d think that its consensuses would be too. And despite the progress made, some improvements still need to be made.

As a single woman in her 30s, I have learned to embrace myself and my singlehood. I learned that life is about so much more than just marrying and having kids. And while that may be one person’s calling, it may not be another’s. And that’s okay. No one should be made to feel bad or ashamed about their relationship status.