10 Questions Singles Hate To Be Asked

The following 10 sentences and questions are actual, real life testimonies. They have actually been voiced aloud, not only to me, but my friends too. I even posted on singles groups on Facebook, and sadly, many other singles around the world have experienced the same tactless questions.

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Being single is a great and wonderful life, but unfortunately it is not perceived as such by everyone. Some even frown upon it. In my last blog post “Changing the Consensus”, I wrote about the top consensuses about singles that need to change. Now I would like to share with you 10 things you should stop asking or saying to single people. The list is much longer, but unfortunately this post cannot go on forever.

Trust me, any question or statement you want to voice to a single person – they’ve already done so with themselves, many times over. They don’t need you for that. Not only is it ignorant and tactless, it’s also unwelcome and sometimes even ruthless. It can also be degrading in some cases. So please, I’m begging you – if you’re not a very, very close friend or family with special permission – just refrain from saying it. Because at the end of the day, it’s just insulting, and really, what in the world are you getting out of it?

1. “Why are you single?”

That is a great question, and I actually, sincerely don’t know. However, not every great question needs to be asked, especially this one. And when asked, besides getting silently annoyed, I also respond by simply saying that I don’t know. Besides being kind of rude, it’s also a very loaded question. It may be a simple one on the surface, but usually, the response runs very deep. It also doesn’t fall down to one thing, that’s easily explained.

2. “Oh, but don’t you get so lonely?” or “aren’t you lonely being single?”

As I wrote in “Changing the Consensus” – Alone isn’t lonely. And Single isn’t synonymous with being lonely. Setting aside the fact that these questions create a huge generalisation, I know many non-singles that are so much lonelier than singles I know. Being single, means I have my space, my freedom. No one is telling me when and what to do. And I love being in my own company. Sometimes it’s even better than being in the company of others. So no, I don’t get lonely. Not more than any other standard person anyway. That immediate connection between singleness and loneliness, should be severed. 

3. “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still single.”

This is so wrong, on so many levels. Besides the fact that I hate being pitied (as I’m sure many other people do), there really isn’t anything to be felt sorry for. People seem to be genuinely sad about my singleness, and apologise so sincerely for it. Which baffles me beyond belief. Why and what are you sorry for exactly? It’s clearly not your fault. Not to mention, again, that there is nothing to be sorry for. And even if there were, the pity and apology will not help in any way. Being single, not “finding” a relationship… Their not necessarily a misfortune. In most cases it is the exact opposite. And the first instinct shouldn’t be pity.

4. “I’m sure you’ll find someone soon enough.” or “I hope you find someone soon.”

Well, thank you. Much appreciated. But also not necessary at all, because I’m not worried about that. At least not anymore. Surprisingly enough, my life doesn’t revolve around finding a relationship. Or marrying, or having kids. I’m sure it will happen one day, and I will embrace it with open arms when it does, but right now it’s not at the top of my priorities. So I don’t feel that pressure, that others seem to feel for me, and are usually more desperate than I am. It may come from a good, honest and innocent place – but it’s usually also accompanied by a small twist of cringing, like it’s so terrible to be single. When really, It’s actually quite wonderful.

5. “Don’t you want to settle down?”

Who says I’m not settled down? Why does settling down require me to marry and have kids? I mean, can I not have a steady job and home without them? Being single doesn’t mean playing around and never being serious. It doesn’t mean that I can’t have a steady and wholesome life. And besides alluding to exactly that… This question is always asked in such a reprimanding tone, that just makes it even more infuriating. What I hear when asked this, is: “When are you going to stop messing around, pissing your life away, and start doing something meaningful with yourself – like marriage and kids”. My life is actually very meaningful as is, thank you very much.

Mandy Hale books for singles – UK STORE:

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6. “You know you’re not getting any younger, right?”

You don’t say?! Wow, what a bubble burst.

But in all seriousness – Yes, I am aware. I know that my clock is ticking, believe me, I can hear it right next to my ear. Constantly. I don’t need you to make it even louder by reminding me. But at the end of the day, I’m not going to marry and have kids with just anyone, just for the sake of it. So I don’t “waste my prime years”.  So I can say that I’m married with kids. Not only because I’m not ashamed of not having that, but also because I want to wait for the right person. To do it with someone I really fit with, and won’t end up broken. And what can you do, I have yet to find that. So instead of crying or breaking my head over it, I’m enjoying my life as is at the moment. 

7. “Doesn’t it bother you that your siblings are married and not you?” or “Doesn’t it make you want that too?”

Maybe at one point it bothered me. When I was freshly single and still a little mad at the world. Yes, I did wonder why me. I wasted time, energy and tears on wondering what is wrong with me. But as time passed I realised that I’m perfectly fine. More than fine. That there’s nothing wrong with me. That I’m glad it’s me and not them. Also because I’m happy for them that they have found their significant other. And also because I love being single.

When I’m with them, it doesn’t make me envious. Quite the opposite actually. But this is no one’s business but my own. You never know what painful chord you may strike, so it’s just best not to ask. I know that at the time, when I was still a bit jealous, it would only make me feel even worse. Today it just makes me pissed. Especially since there’s not much to say to that. And it’s not very productive. 

8. “Don’t wait too long to get married / have kids.”

First of all, getting married and having kids is not a destination or a life goal, at least not for me. If anything, it’s part of the journey, an accompanying factor. In my humble opinion, if you choose to marry and have kids, then they should be something that escorts you on your journey. Just like family and friends. They help you overcome life challenges and hurdles. They bring joy and great memories.  But in no way, are they a final destination.

I mean, that just sounds sad. Once you’re married your journey in life is over? Once you’ve had kids, that’s it, your destiny has been fulfilled? If so, then I never want to marry or have kids. I know that sounds selfish, but there is no reason to end my journey so young. Also, I’m actually not sitting around and waiting to get married. I have yet to meet the right person, so until I find him, I’m living my life, moving forwards. 

9. “But you’re so pretty, how are you still single?”

Thank you? I think? One hasn’t really anything to do with the other. Beauty, or even awesomeness for that matter, isn’t a factor in being single. I choose to be single. I choose not to settle for just anyone. And whether I’m beautiful or not… Me being single has nothing to do with it, and doesn’t impact it in any way. Also, even if someone is beautiful, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have people waiting in line for them, or falling to their feet. 

10. “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone when you least expect it.”

I wasn’t worried actually. Nor was I sitting around and waiting. Or constantly expecting to meet someone. People always put that in our heads. We also convince ourselves sometimes. I mean, what kind of consoling is that anyway? Like it’s something I should be expecting. Like I’m so desperate that I sit around and spend my life expecting to find someone. And even if I was expecting, that statement will do nothing except make it worse.

Too many people allow themselves too much freedom to say and ask what’s on their mind. Completely disregarding tact and the recipients feelings, or the overall consequences of their words.

If you’re not in the inner circle, then just don’t. 

The amount of people that are not in my inner circle that say these thighs to me, or ask me the questions – is surprisingly high. And sadly, I know that I’m not the only one. Besides not being anyone’s business, there is no reason to treat singleness like a disease, something to avoid at all costs. In addition to being offensive, all of these questions and statements are always said in such contempt. Even though being single is pretty awesome. 

“Single is no longer a lack of options – but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out.”

Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

Live and let live.

Stay safe, stay healthy and stay strong!
Michal B.L.

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