Why are You STILL Single? - Michal B. Lehman

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These are the best ways to cope with the question “Why are you still single?” and how to change your mindset towards it – both when others ask and YOU

As someone who was single for 7 years, there’s nothing I hate more than the question, “Why are you still single?” Perhaps only someone asking it. The question, asked the way it usually is, does more harm than good. And the asker likely doesn’t need to know the answer. It’s pretty much pointless – no matter what the response is. But before I embarked on my journey of Embracing Singlehood, it was tough for me. This was the question I dreaded most. I was so concerned about being asked it, that I would even practise my answer:

“Yes, I’m single, but I just got out of a long relationship, and I need some time to heal.”
Or: “Sure, I’m single, but I’m also super busy and don’t really have time right now.”

The thing is, though, it wasn’t just others asking me I worried about. It was me, often even more. As you probably know well, we’re our own worst enemies at times. I would be my biggest critic and would make myself feel even worse than others did when asking myself. Often, I would even feel sorry for myself, which in my own eyes made me even more pathetic. So while people who weren’t explicitly invited into such a conversation need to stop asking… YOU also need to stop. But not entirely – you SHOULD ask yourself this, but you also need to change the way you do it. Let me explain…

Table of Contents

STOP Running Away from It

No matter how fast you run, it will keep chasing you – until you face it. So either face it on your own terms, or when it “chases you down”, when you’re already jaded.

Avoiding this question is probably the worst thing you can do. It not only blows it out of proportion but also takes you further away from finding your answers. Not to mention, how could you ever respond to this question from others (cause they’re gonna ask whether you want or not)… If you can’t even handle the question with yourself? If all you do is dread and fear it, all it will be is a dark cloud that chases you around. Making you live even more in fear of your own status. Which prevents you from ever finding joy in it.

An important note to keep in mind is that the question is often not ill-intended. Someone may ask you about it because they want to help you or see you suffer. If all you do is run away from the question, you’re only creating a bad aura around it and yourself. Which is something that everyone around you can sense. And it can even keep them away from you.

START Reframing the Question

It’s time to change the way you ask it. Perhaps if singles also started positively asking themselves, others would do so, too. When someone asks you this question, what bothers you most is not the fact they asked it. It’s HOW they asked it. In a way that sounds like they feel sorry for you. One that makes it sound like being single is just sad. And it makes you feel bad for being single. So, while you can’t control how others ask it, you can control how you ask yourself. And you can also control how you respond to others. So if you want to start reframing this question and how you answer it, it’s all in the tone.

Instead of asking yourself “Ugh, why am I still single?” in a tone that suggests it’s something that’s happening to you. That your status is out to get you, or that it’s a misfortune in your life (and even comparing yourself to others in your life who aren’t single)…
Start seeing your status as an opportunity, and ask this question with that in mind: “So, what is the deeper meaning of my status? What is the purpose of me still being single?” You can’t just be single to be miserable; there must be something else in store for you, and you need to find out what it is. Not everyone gets to be single for a long period, especially in their 30s, and while it can be seen as a punishment, it’s time to see it as the gift it is.

What Are You Doing with It?

As I mentioned, asking why is important. But often, it’s not just about why you’re single, it’s also what you’re doing with your singleness. How are you spending your status? If it’s only a miserable, whiney waiting room for your next relationship – the question will always cause you harm. You’ll also never make the most of it, let alone enjoy it.

On the other hand, however, if you’re actually doing something about your situation and filling your single life up with things you love and that make you feel good – the question will likely not phase you. It certainly won’t have the power to break your spirit.

Instead of wasting away this precious time you have with yourself by avoiding your time alone as much as you can. Comparing yourself to others, feeling like you’re lesser than them. Or just going on dates and trying to escape your singlehood…
Start utilising it to not only live a fulfilling life but also work on yourself. Develop a healthy, strong self-relationship that will later also lead to better relationships with others. The world has so much more to offer, and what better time to discover it than in your singlehood?

Change Your Attitude Towards The Question AND Your Singlehood

When you’re asked, or when you ask yourself, “Why am I still single?” – What’s your attitude? Towards the person asking and towards the question itself. Do you get defensive? Do you take offence? Or take it to heart? Are you always sad about it?

In addition to changing how you ask it, you also want to change your whole mindset around it. And if you start LIVING your single life properly, you won’t even have to try too hard. A question, no matter how spiteful it is, cannot hurt you if you don’t let it. And if your attitude is negative, so will others asking you. Often, they just care about you and want the best for you. Not everyone who asks is trying to make you feel bad. So if you start seeing it in a positive light, perhaps people around you will too.

Instead of only focusing on the downsides, complaining about it and turning it into this whole, heavy saga (and making things feel even more awkward and weird) by getting insulted, defensive, letting it get to you, or making a big scene…
Start creating more positive conversations and a mindset towards the issue as a whole. And especially when asked. The healthy approach is to be calm, cool and collected. It’s all in the way you treat the question, being single and how you react to it. Often, people will mirror your own approach to it. And again, if you’re living your best single life and being positive towards your singlehood as a whole – it will improve your attitude.

How Do You Respond to “why are you still single”?

This is all great and all, but when it comes down to it, how to answer ‘Why Are You (Still) Single?’ How do you explain why you are single? Well, to explain it to others, you first need to know how to explain it to yourself.

If you don’t want to or feel like it, you don’t even have to answer if asked by others. There’s no need to feed into their urges. But seeing as we cannot control other people’s boredom and their desperate need to question your singleness… It’s alway good to have a bank of responses. I would often try to make light of it and respond in a joking manner. But to be honest, it all depends on how they ask it.

If they ask with audacity – someone who allows themselves to ask you in a way that makes you feel bad. Or asks even though they know it’s a sensitive question… Should be able to also face the pushback. So, you can:
- Throw the question back at them: “Why are you not single?” or “Why are you in a relationship?”
- Or, be a little sassy and bite back: “It’s better than any relationship I’ve seen lately.”
- Ask about their intention: “Why do you need to know?” Or “Is this supposed to help me? Or make me feel bad?”
If they ask with genuine concern – It’s okay to reassure them that you’re okay being single. Sure, you don’t owe anyone any explanation, but if they truly care – it’s also a wonderful opportunity to start changing the consensus about being single. And showing people that it can be different. It’s time to change the narrative, and to do so, singles need to share their experience better.
Only share what you feel up to – You can be as open as you’d like or just stick to talking about why you love singleness. What’s important is that you’re assertive and answer with confidence. Don’t let anyone force you to talk about something you don’t want to. Or don’t feel comfortable to.
How to say you’re single without saying it – This is probably my favourite method. Because it diverts the attention to what truly matters and what’s most important to you. This gives you control of the direction of the conversation. When asked, you can simply redirect to what’s going on in your life. This helps change the narrative as it highlights that there’s more to your life than just your status. And it indicates without words that you don’t wanna talk about it.

So, why are you still single?

At first, the subtitle of this post was “the top reasons why you’re still single and how to cope with it”. But the more I thought about it, the less I could really capture it. There are endless reasons why one would be single, and not only can I not cover them all… It wouldn’t be of any use to you. Not really.

You probably already know why you’re single, and it usually doesn’t come down to one specific reason. And yes, you should know what the reasons are. Because if you want to find someone, you first need to understand why you haven’t found a partner thus far. This isn’t to say there’s something wrong, just that you may need to work on yourself and certain aspects of your life. Perhaps you need to put yourself out there more. Be more confident.

Whatever it is, you first need to reflect on why you’re still single. And to do so honestly and productively, you first need to be more comfortable with the question.